Monday 18 June 2012

'AWNIOGO': KIDSGROVE (A)



Saturday, August 5

Kidsgrove, as you have doubtless already worked out in your valuable spare time, is an anagram of SKIVER DOG, which is exactly what I felt like being on yet another steaming hot day [“I don’t know, these cricketers are a bunch of whining old goats. They complain when it’s raining, so I give them a bit of bloody sunshine, and they still moan” – God]. But then I started to think about what makes cricket the magnificent game that it is, a game in which the various attributes of determination, concentration, coordination, touch, strength, speed, agility, stamina, strategy and cunning are all completely unimportant as long as you can hold your ale and tell an anecdote or two about the time you scored 76 not out against Wes Hall on a minefield when he was bowling off 16 yards and you had cholera, a broken bat and blurred vision. So when I had given everything careful consideration, I decided to play.

Addo, Wayne and I pitched up in the Saab at 1.30 and whilst we were having a rather informal knock-up on Kidsgrove’s dangerously rough outfield, word got around that Stefan Read had a knee injury and they had recruited Northamptonshire’s Mark Bowen as stand-in professional. This would probably have worried us if we knew what he did. We would find out soon enough, though, as Addo lost the toss and we were asked to bat on a wicket that looked like John Moore’s hairstyle: the top had gone! However, the game was started five minutes late – due not to any sudden climatic change, but because Kidsgrove had no stumps! This was particularly ironic given the fact that there was a notice proudly displayed in front of the pavilion that read: Today’s match sponsor is P & L Joiners. 

Jeremy Snape
Anyway, once some stumps had been located, and after Addo had had the screens moved about a dozen times, the game was finally underway, with Bowen taking the new cherry. First impressions, from the safety of the non-striker’s end (“best place play ‘em,” Sir Geoffrey would tell you), were that he was quite nippy. He should have had Addo caught behind in the first over but the chance went down. With the wicket looking like it would break up, I called for the lid and prepared for some graft. Addo was struggling to time the ball and, after taking a thud in the ribcage (with the squeal of pain emitted before the ball had actually made contact), he let frustration get the better of him and chipped an easy catch to cover. Harv came in and got his head down, as we took the score to 65 before I was smartly caught and bowled by Fairbanks, the offie (like Kidsgroves most famous ex-player, Jeremy Snape). As always, it was disappointing to get out after doing most of the hard work but it was a mistake on my part and, rather ominously, the track was actually playing easier for our incoming batsmen.

Harv fell two overs later to leave us on 75 for 3, but Mauler and Seth batted extremely well in adding 70 for the fourth wicket. This partnership was particularly important for Iain Carr, due in next. Billy hadn’t realized this, and was sat kissing and cuddling with Bernadette, wearing nothing but shorts, shades and a smile when at the very least a box and thigh-pad is customary. John’s innings was, unusually, carefully constructed and he swept the heart out of Leese and Fairbanks on his way to a useful score of 33. While watching John’s innings, I had turned to Darren Carr and invited him to “come into the woods a minute; I’ve got something to show you”. Naturally, he was gutted when it only turned out to be the disused railway tunnel in which Kidsgrove’s infamous serial killer, Donald Neilson, aka the Black Panther, was reputed to have ensconced himself following the murder of Lesley Whittle in 1975. Then again, being a medical student, I suppose Dazzra quite enjoys peering into dark tunnels. 

tunnel under Kidsgrove's ground

Back at the cricket, Cokey had been sent in for a flirt but only made 11 before Bowen removed his off-stump. “Too quick for me, Bud” was the Cokester’s matter-of-fact verdict. So, with half an hour remaining before tea we needed some quick runs, yet couldn’t really afford to lose wickets. As Iain Carr walked out to bat with the game nicely poised Bowen was probably thinking about picking up a few wickets on the cheap. However, this Moddershall side is like a Manx cat: it doesn’t have a tail. Bowen got blazed for 33 runs in his last 5 overs as Billy started swinging the bat and Seth moved towards an invaluable half-century. 

By the interval our opponents had only managed to bowl 48 overs and whilst our score of 215 for 5 was good, it fell short of an ideal declaration figure. However, we had to give ourselves enough time to bowl out a Kidsgrovc team that bats a lot better than it bowls. During tea, most of the talk was centred on how the track was playing. Compared to last week’s wicket at Betley, it was a minefield. Graham Hawkins, our groundsman extraordinaire, was very impressed with the condition of Betley’s square but Addo, recalling the not-too-distant past, told Graham that Betley had had some problems a few seasons ago.
“Problems?” asked Graham. “What sort of problems?”
“They had some disease or other on the square. Alzheimer’s Disease, I think” replied Addo.
“Don’t you mean Fusarium disease?” enquired a bemused Mr. Hawkins.
“That’s the one”, affirmed Addo, blushing. 

fusarium
Tea was nearly extended by ten minutes when Stan ‘low profile’ Trafford insisted that he should be informed of our declaration by the captain in person, but common sense prevailed and we took to the field punctually and fully revved-up. Despite the short boundaries, improving track, generous target and strong Kidsgrove batting we had to think we had every chance of winning.


However, things couldn’t have gone much worse at the start of Kidsgrove’s reply: after only 8 overs we had used five different bowlers, none of whom had taken a wicket, and conceded 54 runs. Andy Hawkins started the rot. He had bowled only two balls (a long-hop that was pulled for four and a very wide wide) before coming off complaining of a sore toe. I suspected that the problem was exacerbated by another loss of confidence in his run-up and release, similar to last season. This match encapsulated the two sides of Hawky. Having played a brilliant, authoritative innings under pressure you might suppose that this success would have a positive effect on his bowling. However, confidence is a much more mysterious beast than that and the two disciplines of batting and bowling require their own, distinct pools of the stuff. At such an important phase of the season we desperately needed all parts of the machine to be functioning correctly, and Seth’s bowling was crucial to our chances and it was very much hoped that he could overcome this crisis as quickly as possible. Anyway, Andy’s aborted over was completed by Iain Carr who clearly struggled with the enormous foothole created by Bowen earlier, and bowled too short at Wellings who was merciless. Cokey tried his luck but he also couldn’t control his length and was replaced by Addo after conceding 17 runs in two overs.

After an hour’s batting the two Daves – Leese and Wellings – had taken the score to 67, at which point Darren Carr was introduced from the Pavilion End in place of Mauler, who had bust a gut without reward. His third ball spun sharply and bowled the dangerous Wellings middle-stump as he attempted to cut, a crucial breakthrough as Wellings had been batting ominously well, crashing 10 fours in his 42. His demise brought Johnston to the crease, but Dazzra soon hutched him up to leave Kidsgrove on 89 for 2. The game was back in the balance. 

Neilson

While Darren was bowling quite well, Addo plugged away from the other end. On a surface that appeared perfect for him to do some damage, the pro turned in a hugely under-par performance and struggled to get the ball to spin from a threatening line and length. He was convinced that he was bowling from the Wrong End, but couldn’t swap with Darren due to the short leg-side boundary. 

Bowen and Leese began the last 20 overs needing only 104 runs for victory and, consequently, we were forced on the defensive. Despite our change of tactics, they kept well up with the asking rate and ten overs from the end they still required less than a run-a-ball. Leese eventually reached his half-century having faced 122 balls, receiving good support from Bowen who, although limited, swept and off-drove well to maintain the run rate. We stuck to our task and managed to bowl a couple of tight overs that applied a bit of pressure and brought about the dismissal of Bowen, bowled by Addo as he attempted to slog-sweep. Leese should also have perished when Darren cleverly slipped the ball down the leg-side as he spotted the batsman giving him the charge. Sadly, I completely missed the ball and the opportunity went begging. I was guilty of losing my concentration at a crucial time and this missed chance was the nadir of what was by far my worst performance of the season behind the stumps. 

'Spyder' Stanyer with Yuvraj Singh

The fall of Bowen brought in Kidsgrove’s captain, Gary Stanyer, and he was involved in the game’s most controversial incident. Having only scored a single, he tried to sweep Addo but misjudged the line allowing the ball to sneak through to the leg-stump. Having dislodged the bails, the ball ricocheted on to my thigh and back on to the stumps. Stanyer stood his ground. The umpire at the bowler’s end, Roy Shallcross, consulted Stan Trafford at square-leg and then gave the batsman not out. The rejection of the appeal therefore implied that I had removed the bail myself. It was an incredible decision. We were furious. 

Only two balls later, Shallcross was again at the centre of things when Andy Hawkins’ attempt to run Stanyer out at the non-striker’s end almost decapitated him as he belatedly moved out of the way. The throw did knock Addo’s sun hat from Shallcross’ head but thankfully didn’t injure him. It was obviously a genuine attempt to take a wicket, but Stan Trafford could not resist over-playing the situation and he melodramatically turned to Hawky and told him to “calm down”. Far from being a constructive or appropriate piece of advice, this only served to inflame a situation that was under control and was typical of an overbearing, attention-seeking official. 


Harvey and Oliver on opposing sides, 2010
In the following over, Stanyer hit Darren Carr for consecutive sixes which effectively sealed their win, by which point we were, to a man, seething with resentment. Even the usually placid Harv allowed his emotions to get the better of him as he bellowed an appeal for lbw from square-leg to which Stan Trafford responded “not out…I expected better of you Richard”.

Dave Leese hit the first ball of the penultimate over to the boundary to rubber-stamp the victory. As we left the field, Andy Hawkins, having congratulated Leese on an excellent knock, approached Stanyer to give him a piece of his mind. “You’re a f***ing cheat, Stanyer. You were a cheat in the Kidsgrove League and you’re still a cheat now”. Needless to say, they didn’t continue their conversation over a pint afterwards. 

This defeat put us back into third place, 23 points behind the leaders Bignall End who chalked up their sixth consecutive victory by bowling Nantwich out for 92. However, we still had all the top sides to play so our destiny remained in our own hands. As for Kidsgrove, well, as was pointed out by Darren afterwards in an attempt to pick us up “they only won this game thanks to our positive declaration, something that Gary Stanyer wouldn’t consider doing in a Sunday friendly”. Regarding the question that Stanyer snidely asked whilst sarcastically applauding us off the field – “Where are you in the league now?” – then the best answer was: 53 points in front of you!

MODDERSHALL LOST BY 7 WICKETS

MODDERSHALL 215 for 5 dec. (48 overs)
A Hawkins 55*, R Harvey 33, J Myatt 3
KIDSGROVE 219 for 3 (43.1 overs)
D Leese 82*, D Wellings 42, M Bowen 35

MODDERSHALL 6 points
KIDSGROVE 20 points


Sunday 17 June 2012

'AWNIOGO': LEYCETT (H)


had an alien spacecraft...  Moddershall CC, slightly right of centre, 
with Moddershall Pool, the heart of the village, top left



Sunday, July 30

It is often remarked that cricket is a perverse, eccentric and as such quintessentially English custom (us being specialists at perversion and eccentricity) – for whilst most of the rest of the world take a siesta or go for a swim when it is hot, many of us pull on some daft-looking white clothes and run around after a small, hard red ball in highly intricate ways. Indeed, had an alien spacecraft landed at Barnfields, Spot Acre at 2.00pm on Sunday, July 30th 1995 for a three-hour exploratory mission into typical human activity, then they would have returned with the perhaps accurate conclusion that earthlings were a completely unhinged race. It might not have been quite as hot as it was at Betley the day before, but the air conditions were more suited to breaking the world long-jump record than playing cricket. I’m sure most people fancied putting their feet up and supping a few cold beers (and Cokey probably would do exactly that, come what may) but there was a job to be done against a flaccid Leycett side that were clearly there for the taking. 

The wicket on which the game was to be played was not the most over-prepared one on the square and if I did not know any better I would have guessed that our professional had a fair amount to say in the matter. Be that as it may, Addo did his first job of the afternoon and duly asked Leycett to bat. For a moment I thought that their openers were going to bring some Mr. Sheen out with them as the track was so dusty, or perhaps even a beach towel, but instead they opted to concentrate on conventional batting. 


Cricket on a beach? I'd had practice 3 months earlier

The opening hour of play didn’t progress too well for us as Heath and Waterhouse indulged themselves on a healthy diet of four balls and put together a useful stand of 64. One of the aforementioned boundaries brought up Jonathon Waterhouse’s 1,000 runs for the season and also lost our new cherry, not that this was necessarily an impediment as we were looking to get the spinners into the game early. One wag in Moddershall colours commented out of the corner of his mouth that it wasn’t all that surprising that Addo brought himself on to bowl when he did – after all, Wart was threatening to forge a lead in the race for the league record! Even less surprising was that Addo brought himself on at the end where Jim ‘Moddershall through and through’ Elton was umpiring. Jim had been pressed into action at the eleventh hour due to the non-appearance of the appointed umpire, but Addo was not going to get any special favours from Mr Elton.

As it transpired, no special favours were needed. From the moment Waterhouse edged an extremely wide ball into Mauler’s hands at slip, Leycett were on the slippery slope towards a nothing total. Indeed, had an alien spacecraft landed at Bamfields, Spot Acre at 2.00pm on Sunday, July 30th 1995 for a three-hour exploratory mission into typical human activity, then its occupants could have disembarked, padded up and done a lot better than most of Leycett’s batsmen. Their number four batsman was so thoroughly village that, had his innings been shown in one of those dull BBC 2 period dramas about boring upper middle-class families with an obligatory ‘cricket scene’ in them, you would probably have yelled at the TV: “that’s ridiculous. Nobody bats like that, not even uncoordinated four-year-old girls!” 

unconvincing cricket shot: Fernando Llorente (Athletic Bilbao)

At the other end to Agile, Darren Carr, who had figures of 0 for 29 after four overs, suddenly slotted into a groove and picked up the wicket of Heath, pegging Leycett back to 84 for 2. We were, quite literally, into the tail-enders, and soon both spinners were operating to 7-2 split fields. The peculiar thing was that the two fielders Addo had designated to patrol the Wrekin side of the ground were our two oldest: Coke and Barry. Perhaps Addo thought that it was more economical to use two forty-year-olds than four twenty-year olds (as Mr. Spock might once have said, “highly illogical captain”). Nevertheless, every ball seemed to carry a wicket threat; the batsmen were tumbling and catches were being held. Even I managed to hold one, as well as taking a couple of stumpings.

There was, as ever, one moment of controversy. It occurred when Dennis Elliott edged Darren Carr, the spin doctor, to Wayne at gully. Bart claimed the catch, the umpire gave him out, we congregated, then Addo called him back, unsure himself but prepared to give the batsman the benefit of the doubt. Elliott went on his way regardless, the bowler commenting that he was probably pleased he had something fresh to grumble about. The rest of the batsmen came and went with minimal fuss and we were left with the relatively easy task of scoring 146 to win, albeit on a deteriorating track that had more holes in it than OJ Simpson’s defence.

Had Leycett had a more dangerous new-ball pairing and better spinners, with better support seamers to back them up, then their total might have proven quite useful. The first ball I received, just the second of the innings, reared off a length and struck me on the right forearm; a couple of overs later, Addo tried to cut a ball that got too big on him but survived courtesy of a dropped catch by Elliott at slip. From then on it was a pretty straightforward chase. I nudged and fudged away whilst Addo spanked boundaries, and by the time we’d brought up the 100 in the 19th over the 20 points were in the bank and gathering interest. 

dog: tired

Before the formalities were completed, however, we were both dismissed: I played a tired slog off Lee Mason and was caught and bowled; Addo (probably because he fancied a fag) got himself stumped having made 81 from just 66 balls. The remaining runs were knocked off in a blur by Harv, including two huge sixes – a good job, too, as Mauler was being tied in knots by the pace, penetration, and patter of Dennis Elliott, a bowler he was very keen not to be dismissed by.

With another hard week at work around the corner (well, not for me, but you know what I mean), it was understandable that the boys should want to sink a couple of beers, understandable, too, that Mauler should seek to supplement his income by arranging a game of Killer pool. The people who put their quids into the hat were:
                       
                                    3/1F – Kev ‘Cyclone’ Colclough
                                    5/1 – John ‘Gale Force 2’ Myatt
                                    10/1 – ‘Mr Pot’ Scott Oliver
                                    33/1 – ‘Tornado’ Two Dogs Williams
                                    50/1 – Jon ‘Agile’ Addison
                                    100/1 – Shaun ‘The Breeze’ Brian

Well, they might as well have just given me the cash and saved themselves the trouble. The three outsiders disappeared pretty quickly, whilst Mauler did well but missed the pressure shots. Coke drank like Bill Werbenuik with a thirst on, but unfortunately for him also played like Bill Werbenuik, which left lil’ ol’ me to pouch the readies. Ker-ching.                

MODDERSHALL WON BY 8 WICKETS

LEYCETT 145 all out (43.3 overs)
R Heath 37, J Waterhouse 34, S Bethell 32, J Addison 6-27, D Carr 4-48
MODDERSHALL 146 for 2 (29.1 overs)
J. Addison 81

MODDERSHALL 20 points
LEYCETT 4 points



'AWNIOGO': BETLEY (A)


bucolic Betley: the view from cow(s) corner




Saturday, July 29

Being squeezed into the back of the Heardmobile with Suzanne and AJ all the way to Betley was not a comfortable ride. Despite all windows being lowered to allow in the breeze, it was infernally warm, almost too hot for cricket. Mind you, it is widely known that “only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noon day sun” and since I fulfilled both of Noel Coward’s criteria I was padding up at ten to two in a changing room the size of a portaloo in which you could have fired pots. It was Kevin Bakin

The pair of us already sweating profusely, then, Addo and I strolled out to bat on an extremely flat track with a 30-yard boundary to one side. At Moddershall, even the under-elevens would play closer to the middle of the square. It was farcical, enough to come close to making a complete mockery of the contest between bat and ball upon which the integrity of the entire sport depends. Nevertheless, the situation was not going to alter, so we just had to get on with what was obviously going to be a high-scoring game. 

Drew and Yvonne Heard

On another bread-dipping day, it was almost inevitable that I would miss out, and I did. I felt in better nick than I had all season and had just driven Butler, Betley’s beanpole of a professional, back down the ground for two fours when I got caught at mid-on, stopping my shot to a totally unexpected short ball. I saw it early and could have hit it almost anywhere,e but suddenly my brain opted for discretion over valour. Sadly, the message didn’t reach my hands in time and I spooned the ball straight to the fielder. I was almost suicidal, and decided to drown my sorrows in a glass of Betley’s over-priced, warm, flat, cheap, tasteless cola. There was nobody behind the bar, so I waited. Then suddenly it struck me that I was in a sacred place, a temple if you like. All around me hung effigies of the Messiah, as well as scrolls and doctrines detailing his cricketing achievements for Betley, Staffordshire, Derbyshire, England U 19’s and England. I felt like an infidel. I caught wind of the Messiah’s father talking to Radio Stoke, spreading the word. Eventually he finished his evangelizing and served me the warm cola. I scurried away quickly before my impressionable young mind could be enslaved by the chief prophet of Corkianity. I later heard that Betley’s team selection had been altered to accommodate the pilgrimage to Old Trafford being undertaken by the prophet’s two eldest but less holy sons, Simon and Jonathon. I sipped my cola. Mmm, delicious! 


Cork dismisses Lara and reacts with typical restraint...

By the time I had rejoined the rest of the troops under the comforting shade of an old oak tree – rolling field of wheat swaying gently in the breeze behind me, gothic church heralding each new hour to the right, docile livestock loping innocuously elsewhere, me feeling utterly pig sick – Harv and Addo were moving the score along nicely and the 100 came up in only the 23rd over. The team, by and large, were in good spirits but Iain Carr, sporting a shaggy brown bowl-shaped toupée, had not done anything to improve my mood by saying, “as soon as you hit those two fours I knew you were going to spoon one up”. Illogical, perhaps, but he was not wrong. Just as we were debating the point, Harv, having made 24 trouble-free runs, chipped the off-spinner to long-off whilst trying to up the tempo. 

At 107 for 2, with an hour and a half left to bat, the situation was tailor-made for John Myatt to go in and cause some havoc, which he did in a blistering 126-run partnership with Addo that took just 17 overs. The rest of us either sat back and watched or wandered around the ground fetching the incessant stream of boundaries from neighbouring fields. Billy just hailed each Myatt boundary with a joyous “MAUL THE BALL!” Drew, meanwhile, amused everybody by stating that Rangers were the best football team in the British Isles, citing their umpteen consecutive league titles, Scottish Cup wins and Skol Cup successes as ‘proof’. The fact that the Cowdenbeath midfield is ill-equipped to mark Laudrup and Gascoigne out of the game didn’t dent his conviction. 

Gazza: did well in Scotland 'cos he understood the culture

On the field Addo had moved to his third century of the campaign from 119 balls. He later claimed that he hadn’t felt in good form, but he looked okay from the boundary and having reached that milestone he was keen to push on. However, he wasn’t allowed to – not because of the Betley attack, which had resorted to part-time bowlers, but by Mauler’s consumption of the strike. Mauler completed his half-century from 48 balls and then went on a rampage for three overs, taking his score to 85 in just 12 further deliveries. It was vintage Myatt, reminiscent of the days when his bat alone (Old Faithful) merited its own feature in the Evening Sentinel. Nowadays our whole team scarcely gets a mention.  

Mauler departed after clubbing 6 fours and 8 sixes, allowing Andy Hawkins to join Addo in a 47-run stand that took just 18 minutes. In the process of reaching 150 from 137 balls, Addo passed 1000 league runs for the second consecutive season, a phenomenal achievement. This was his highest score as a Moddershall player, eclipsing the 141 he made at Buxton last year, and was only 8 short of Maurice Knight’s club record score. With nine games remaining it was incredible to think just how many runs he might finish up with if he stayed in decent form. Even so, with the score at 280 he stood on his stumps and promptly declared, leaving plenty of time to bowl Betley out. The pitch, short boundaries, sweltering heat and a solid home top order would all provide significant obstacles but we thought we had a better than even chance of winning. 

40 yards from the bat, the cows gather to watch Betley's run chase

As ever, our objectives were to strike early and squeeze the life out of Betley’s middle order. Unfortunately our early bowling lacked penetration and direction, and Betley started their reply with a spate of fours. Hawky bowled awfully, patently struggling to run up the awkward slope at the far end. When he switched ends he fared a little better; indeed, it appeared that he had made the breakthrough when, dropping one short and slightly to the leg-side, he tempted Cowap to go for a hook shot. As the ball came through to me there was a definite noise and I made a concerted appeal for what I believed to be a legitimate catch off the gloves. The decision was turned down, at which point Cowap turned around and called me a “f**king cheat”. It was an act of great indignity for such an esteemed cricketer and one which set the tone for the rest of the game. 

Our outfield cricket seemed to be getting sloppier by the over and Shaun Brian, fielding on the third man boundary (about 25 yards from the bat) was the worst culprit, allowing two balls to slip through an idiosyncratic interpretation of the long-barrier for four. It wasn’t until after the second drinks interval that our cricket regained some aggression and purpose. Once again the catalyst was John Myatt who was enjoying a fine day. He took over the bowling from the top end and proceeded to take 4 for 10 in 5.1 overs as Betley slumped from 113 for 0 to 149 for 4. Adrian Butler was the first to go, scooping a low full-toss to mid-on where Barrington held the catch. Mauler’s ecstatic reaction to this wicket, considering how bad a delivery it was, seemed a little extreme but I suppose that is John’s way – without the fire there would perhaps be a pretty average cricketer, but with the aggression there is a wholly different proposition.

If the first wicket contained an element of fortune then the rest were down to good, straight, fast bowling. He trapped Cowap and Neil Harrison plumb in front and then skittled Harrison’s older and plumper brother Nick with an extremely sharp yorker. With 15 overs remaining we stood a slim chance of victory and went on the attack. In the very next over, Wayne bowled Betley’s number 5, Dumbill, before he had scored. Sadly it was also a no-ball, and it proved fairly costly. 

"bowl him an accordion, see if he can play that!"

Looking like the accordion player in a Balkan folk ensemble, Dumbill fully utilised his only two shots, the square cut and square drive, in carving what was probably a lifetime’s best 69, an innings that included 12 fours and 2 sixes. His knock changed the mood of the crowd, who had previously been heckling and jeering our every move. Suddenly they concentrated their efforts on cheering their own players as they sensed an improbable victory in the offing, but this hope was ended (and their mouths closed) when Shaun Brian uprooted Dumbill’s off-stump as he once again dashed off to inspect whatever he found so interesting about the piece of turf two feet outside his leg-stump. 

The game was now dead and so Addo decided to goad the crowd still further by bringing on Drew, Harv, and myself to bowl the last four overs, thus ensuring that all eleven of our players had turned their arm over. This didn’t exactly enrapture our scorer, Tina Colclough, who was forced to add a few emergency rows to the bottom of the scorebook. The ‘plan’ worked, though, as Drew picked up another wicket, knocking Jervis’ leg-stump out of the ground to give us an extra bonus point. This was a bonus in every sense of the word as normally the only thing which goes out of the ground when Drew bowls is the ball. 

Bluebell in more recent times

After the match we heard that Ashcombe Park, Bignall End and Newcastle had all won, which meant that we slipped back to third place. We didn’t bother to stay for a sociable jar as a point of principle over the incredibly antagonistic attitude of both Betley’s players and their supporters, the skipper and I instead popping down the road to the beer garden of the Bluebell at Wrinehell. Let us hope that we will not need to come back next season. 

MATCH DRAWN 


MODDERSHALL 280 for 4 dec. (45.4 overs) 

J Addison 150, J Myatt 85
BETLEY 239 for 6 (47 overs) 

I Cowap 80, B Dumbill 69, A Butler 32, J Myatt 4-34

MODDERSHALL 8 points
BETLEY 7 points



'AWNIOGO': KNYPERSLEY (H)*


they came from Knypersley... 




Sunday, July 23
TALBOT CUP, SEMI-FINAL 

The first Talbot Cup semi-final in Moddershall’s history was played at the second attempt after rain had washed out the initial encounter, with Knypersley on 45 for 2 from 10 overs (i.e. with us certain to roll them for 93 and knock them off for 2 with 18 overs to spare). Even before the replay had started, a sizeable crowd had gathered at Barnfields, no doubt hoping to see a keenly fought contest between the second placed team in Section A and the leaders of Section B. As he had done last week, Addo won the toss and put Knypersley in, hoping that their strenuous fielding drills (all conducted in pristine club tracksuits) had tired them out. The pitch, although firm and dry, looked a little sluggish, but with clear skies overhead and a sun-scorched outfield the batting conditions were excellent.

In a complete change of tactics from the abandoned game, Addo opened the bowling with himself from the Road End whilst Andy Hawkins operated from the Pavilion End. As our two most consistently accurate bowlers the plan was clear: peg back Knypersley in the early stages and then pick up wickets as the pressure mounted. Indeed, with only 17 runs conceded in the opening ten overs we had gained the early initiative and it was clear that Gareth Coates and Rob Doorbar were not settled. It was Doorbar that seemed the keener of the two to inject some much needed urgency into proceedings and he began to charge at Addo indiscriminately, yet without success. 

Coates would eventually run past one 

When 15 overs had gone down there were still just 36 runs on the board, so Doorbar reverted to plan B and slogged Addo for a four and a six in the same over, shots that he had clearly learned from his time at Stallington (probably off the inmates). It seemed as though the shackles had been broken but in the following over he was caught at mid-off to put Knypersley on 49 for 1. Seth bowled another tight over to finish with, and completed his allotted ten over ration having conceded a miserly 23 runs. 

In Addo’s final over, Coates – who by this time had been dropped at slip by the pro and survived gloving one into my hands off Hawky – realized, belatedly, that he wasn’t playing in a timeless Test Match and that 16 runs in 19 overs was to nobody’s benefit but ours. He also decided to adopt the cavalry charge method, but accidentally ran past the ball and I took the stumping without fuss. Simon Bailey, brother of Northamptonshire’s Rob, was then run out a few overs later in a dreadful mix-up with his captain, Darren Long, to put us on top. 

Rob Bailey's (in)famous dismissal in Barbados, 1990

With Knypersley on 67 for 3 from 24 overs I felt that if we could remove either one of Long or Mark Tournier, the fourth wicket pair, then we could force our opponents into complete consolidation. However, they launched an astonishing and brilliant counter-attack that yielded 132 runs in only 13 overs before Long was well caught by Dave Astle at deep cover off Wayne Stones. While Long’s 59 provided the backbone of the Knypersley effort, it was the innings of Tournier, the tall Australian professional, that gave them their impetus. However, his innings was not without blemish: he had an escape whilst still in his late teens when he skied Iain Carr to deep long-off where John Myatt settled himself for the catch. Suddenly there was a loud cry of “Addo’s!” as Lovejoy sprinted across in front of the sight-screen from long-on. Unfortunately, despite a desperate dive, he failed even to get a hand on it.

Tournier didn’t look back, and after a cautious start he began to open his broad shoulders, moving to his half-century with three consecutive sixes off Cokey who was all too frequently drifting onto his leg-stump. He reached 74 before being dismissed in the penultimate over. The Brew brothers fell in consecutive balls during the final over but still Knypersley were able to post a score of 227 from their 40 overs, having garnered 10 runs an over from the final 16. In spite of overtures to the contrary, we left the field feeling quite demoralized, knowing that we would have to bat exceptionally well to win. However, before we had reached the halfway stage of our reply we were in complete disarray at 60 for 6, and the game had gone… 

Darren Long (left) and Neil Dutton 

The first wicket fell when I was triggered in the fifth over, allegedly caught down the leg side off Boon. The decision was appalling – in fact, I missed the ball by such a distance that I actually laughed when I heard the appeal, thinking it was just a ruse to try and prevent the umpire giving a wide. But then up popped his finger. I stood motionless at the crease for a few moments before trudging off incredulously. On returning to the dressing room I hurled my kit everywhere and sat there feeling angry and bewildered, as is always the case in such circumstances. 


When I thought I was composed enough, I set off on a lap of the ground, but hadn’t made it very far before I became embroiled in a heated argument with Barry Coates, the Knypersley coach. He had taken it upon himself to sermonize to me over what is deemed fair play on the field. My crime? Being the victim of an atrocious decision and pausing briefly with shock before walking off without passing any comment upon the correctness or otherwise of the umpire’s adjudication, nor upon the integrity of the appeal despite one of Knypersley’s fielders (whose on-field discipline falls within Mr Coates’ brief as coach) telling me to “f**k off out!” My disbelief at Coates’ lecture increased tenfold when I recalled that his own son had not walked when batting. Needless to say, I gave as good as I got, but after the match bought him a diplomatic pint; the matter was resolved with him saying “these things balance themselves out in the long run”. This particular cliché does not apply to batsmen that walk so I took a good deal more consolation from the pint of lager he bought me in return. 

scattered kit

Anyway, whilst I was locking horns, Andy Hawkins had the scoreboard ticking along nicely at four an over, and things looked promising for a few overs…until Addo had his second quixotic impulse of the afternoon, running down the pitch at Boon to give Brew another victim behind the stumps. Having discussed the need to keep wickets intact this shot was incomprehensible and served to remind us that even the best players are prone to hot-headedness when batting under pressure. In mitigation, it has to be said that we would have all applauded wildly had the ball gone crashing to the boundary. Rich Harvey went next, misjudging the length as he drove Boon to mid-off. Iain Carr then fell lbw for a duck to a ball that hit him extremely high. Finally, Mauler, having just seen off a nosebleed, joined the procession as he holed out to long-on. When Seth followed a couple of overs later to a brilliant return catch from Neil Dutton, the game was over as a contest. 

Pride was partially restored by a partnership between Drew and Barry and then by a late flurry from Dave Astle and Wayne Stones, as they all chipped a few singles and stole the odd boundary. It was ultimately to prove futile and our innings was finally wrapped up for 147 in the 36th over.

mypoic umpires...
It was extremely disappointing that we hadn’t come close to doing ourselves justice in a game that we had a decent chance of winning. Most of the conversation in the bar was constructive and friendly. Knypersley’s out-cricket had been superb (perhaps that fielding drill was useful, after all!!) and we had been thoroughly outplayed on the day, but we took our defeat graciously and no amount of in-depth analysis would change the fact that we were never really in the chase. However, Darren Long, the victorious captain, conceded that the rub of the green with the umpiring decisions did go, and always has gone, in favour of the team from the higher division.

Despite being pilloried from all quarters over my groovy yellow shirt, I stayed until midnight with Addo and Harv, by which time Dickie and I had become a little rowdy, and managed to simulate a convincing enough row for one of Moddershall’s non-cricketing members to feel he had to step in to separate us! The ‘argument’ started when Harv suggested that all my Spanish degree would lead me to was “meeting people off the coach in Torremolinos”. Imagine, then, that in the year 2005 I can guide tourists into a Spanish leisure complex and introduce them to their tennis instructor, Dickie Mint!

Once again we trudged away drunkenly, consoling ourselves with the delusion that all sides use when they are knocked out of the cup: at least we can concentrate on the league now! 

MODDERSHALL LOST BY 80 RUNS 


KNYPERSLEY 227 for 7 (40 overs) 

M Tournier 74, D Long 59
MODDERSHALL 147 all out (36 overs) 

N Dutton 4-36, J Boon 3-21

* Having escaped relegation the previous year on a technicality, Knypersley went on to win the North Staffordshire and South Cheshire League, Division 1 Section A title in 1995. They lost the Talbot Cup Final to Longton.



'AWNIOGO': CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE (H)


home, sweet home




Saturday, July 22

Crewe Rolls-Royce at home – the fixture that has provided both my best and worst moments as a Moddershall 1st XI player. In 1992, our promotion year, I broke my ankle playing a friendly post-match game of football on the outfield. Then, last season, I scored my maiden senior century against the same opposition. Obviously I was hoping for something along the lines of the latter, but was feeling extremely tentative about the game as the hairline fracture of my thumb was still very sore. After a painful practice session on Friday I suggested to Addo that someone else should keep wicket (with the Talbot Cup semi-final only 24 hours away, I didn’t want to risk another knock) but there were no feasible alternatives and none of the fielders were prepared to stand up to Addo’s bowling, so I was lumbered with the task.

Having stoked myself up on painkillers, I waited for the Heardmobile to whisk me up to Moddershall. On arrival I noticed that our team had three changes from the side that won at Sneyd: Smudge had gone on holiday to Spain, Darren Carr was playing a representative game for London Hospitals and John Myatt, having to work one day this weekend, wisely opted to miss the league match in favour of the more glamorous cup fixture. Mauler’s absence left John Addison as our only ever-present player this season, but then I suppose he does get paid for it… 

not the coin I used to toss, but one with
an interesting Scandinavia (minus
Norway, not in the Eurozone)
That said, I’m not sure how many professionals turn up ten minutes before the start of play, especially when they happen to be the captain as well. He claimed that he’d lost track of time whilst doing stretching exercises on his lounge floor. Of course, this is a real dog-ate-my-homework job. I accept that he might have lost track of time, but stretching exercises? We all know Addo wouldn’t stretch to reach his beer if he could possibly avoid it.

All this palaver meant that I, as vice-captain, had to toss up. My opposite number called correctly, but to my great delight he chose to bat first. I told him that that is what I would have done (obviously I wouldn’t have, but there was no harm in kidding him) and went off to strap on my ‘keeping pads and pray I didn’t damage my thumb still further. 


After a quiet opening, Addo’s afternoon went from bad to worse in the sixth over of the innings when he committed a rather embarrassing blunder. Stationed in the middle of the three-man slip cordon, he exhorted the bowler, Seth, to “feed the hippos”. In common English, this translates as “find the edge of the bat and give one of the slip fielders a catch, if you please guv’nor”. Inevitably, with the very next ball, Andy ran up and produced a peach of an outswinger that found the edge of MacLoed’s bat. The ball flew to – guess who? – Addo and, wouldn’t you know it, the catch was spilled. To add insult to injury, the ball also scuttled away to the boundary, a fact that seemed to irk Andy much more than the drop itself. Nobody dared laugh, at least not out loud!


hippo ready to be fed

Despite this piece of slapstick, the breakthrough wasn’t long in coming as ‘Barrington’ Brian ripped through the defences of both openers in quick succession to leave ‘Royces’ in the precarious position of 25 for 2. However, it was some time before we next struck as Hampshire and Jones put together a useful stand, composed largely of frenetic running between the wickets yet punctuated by the odd good shot. During their annoying alliance, tension began to surface amongst our troops. At one point I turned to the captain and suggested an alteration to the field which, with hindsight, I suspect he had already considered judging by the abrasiveness of his response. “Put a sock in it, you’re bombarding me”, I think he said. The tone of his reply led to an exchange of insults before a prolonged period of the silent treatment. In anger, I also told Harv that I would be resigning as vice-captain after the match as I didn’t think I had any input to make or any real job to do. I mean, any goon can toss a coin when the captain is late. Our little contretemps was resolved soon afterwards but was a clear indication that both he and I were becoming a little edgy as our good early work seemed to be coming undone. 

With the game drifting away, Iain Carr came to the rescue and split the partnership by trapping Hampshire leg before wicket, then Cokey disposed of Jones in similar fashion after he had helped Leese (the new batsman) edge the score into three figures. Andy Hawkins returned to the attack and reduced Rolls-Royce to 120 for 6 by striking in consecutive overs. His first wicket, that of Dave Sadler, the opposing skipper, provoked the game’s most unsavoury incident. Before he had troubled the scorers he got a thin yet definite outside edge and I took the catch – just about the only thing I hadn’t dropped all afternoon. Perfectly within his rights he stood and waited for the decision but when the dreaded digit was raised he let out an extremely audible expletive before telling the umpire exactly what he had thought of the decision (not by giving it marks out of ten, if you know what I mean). 

'the dispute' ,  j valanzuela



Sadler was not censured, and his displeasure at being given out almost certainly provoked a blatant display of bad sportsmanship later on in the game. It came just before tea when he stopped us from claiming an extra ten minutes’ worth of bowling time. Under the current law, if one team requires only one more wicket to dismiss the opposition they may ask the umpires to delay tea by ten minutes or until the final wicket falls, whichever is the earliest. Rolls-Royce only had ten players so we were quite correct in thinking that, with the score at 155 for 8, we could enforce the ruling. However, Sadler had told the umpires that their pre-pubescent scorer, who wasn’t even padded up and clearly wasn’t going to bat, was playing as their eleventh man, so we reluctantly came in for tea.

Rolls-Royce had reached their tea-time total thanks to the farmyard batting of their motormouth number 5, Andy Leese. Kitted out in a maroon helmet, he looked anything but West Indian as he played most of his shots standing on square leg’s toes, yet somehow he reached 40 before falling to a brilliant sucker punch delivered by Addo. Our captain brought Iain Carr ten yards off the boundary at long-off, then said – quite loudly, just so the batsman couldn’t fail to hear it – “he can’t hit it that far”. The next ball was tossed up, Leese fell for it and chipped a catch straight to Billy. 

keeper's fingers: my fate?

By the time the interval had concluded, relations between the two sides were anything but cordial. The ninth wicket was taken three balls after tea when Haywood edged Iain Carr behind to Drew, keeping wicket in my place to relieve me from the pounding. Not surprisingly, Sadler declared immediately, having achieved the main objective of wasting ten minutes of our potential batting time. 

The time had now come to see how my thumb would stand up to batting. The ‘keeping hadn’t gone all that well due both to the consistent jarring effect of taking the ball and the fact that Cokey kept on firing in missiles from whichever part of the outfield into which he had roamed, missiles that bounced anywhere between two yards and two feet in front of me. Despite his token apologies, this seemed to amuse him no end.

Having seen what happened to Harv at Crewe and not having faced Haywood myself, I decided to wear a helmet. I only needed it for five overs as Sadler was forced to remove his tearaway strike bowler from the attack after he had been blitzed by an immensely fired-up Addo. Lovejoy’s determination was partly due to relishing the challenge, but mainly caused by the mouth of Andy Leese who, after implying that Jon was a ‘chucker’, said to Haywood as we were walking out to bat, “come on Glenn, let’s have a break”, meaning a broken bone. This was conclusive proof, if any was needed, that he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. The only thing that was broken was the bowler’s heart, with Addo pulling each and every one of his attempted bouncers to the legside boundary. I also hooked him for four and he was to spend the rest of the afternoon as a spectator whilst the pro and myself rattled up a century partnership inside 18 overs. 


With the aid of another borrowed bat, I felt in something like top form, but, as so often happens when you are finding things easy, over-confidence got the better of me and I edged one of Sadler’s dibbly-dobbly seamers to the wicket-keeper whilst trying the run the ball dawn to third man and farm the strike. Just desserts, I think they call it. It was even mare galling to learn that the umpire would not have given me out –still, if you are a walker then you walk. 

Billy Carr, promoted to number 3, came in and smashed a quick 20 before holing out with victory only a mere formality and it was left to Lovejoy to complete the job with a flourish of boundaries to finish unbeaten on 85, made from 75 balls and including 17 fours.

Our third consecutive league win had been completed with 16 overs to spare but some of the gloss was taken away when we heard that Bignall End and Newcastle had also recorded their own hat-trick of victories. Nevertheless, with Ashcombe Park only managing a draw we had taken the outright lead at the top of the table, albeit by a slender margin. With ten games remaining only 12 points separated the top four clubs. We knew it was going to be real dogfight. 

MODDERSHALL WON BY 8 WICKETS 


CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE 157 for 9 declared (53.3 overs) 

P Hampshire 44, A Leese 40, C Jones 36
MODDERSHALL 161 for 2 (30.2 overs) 

J Addison 85*, S Oliver 42

MODDERSHALL 20 points
CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE 5 points