'AWNIOGO': LEYCETT (H)

had an alien spacecraft...  Moddershall CC, slightly right of centre, 
with Moddershall Pool, the heart of the village, top left

Sunday, July 30

It is often remarked that cricket is a perverse, eccentric and as such quintessentially English custom (us being specialists at perversion and eccentricity) – for whilst most of the rest of the world take a siesta or go for a swim when it is hot, many of us pull on some daft-looking white clothes and run around after a small, hard red ball in highly intricate ways. Indeed, had an alien spacecraft landed at Barnfields, Spot Acre at 2.00pm on Sunday, July 30th 1995 for a three-hour exploratory mission into typical human activity, then they would have returned with the perhaps accurate conclusion that earthlings were a completely unhinged race. It might not have been quite as hot as it was at Betley the day before, but the air conditions were more suited to breaking the world long-jump record than playing cricket. I’m sure most people fancied putting their feet up and supping a few cold beers (and Cokey probably would do exactly that, come what may) but there was a job to be done against a flaccid Leycett side that were clearly there for the taking. 

The wicket on which the game was to be played was not the most over-prepared one on the square and if I did not know any better I would have guessed that our professional had a fair amount to say in the matter. Be that as it may, Addo did his first job of the afternoon and duly asked Leycett to bat. For a moment I thought that their openers were going to bring some Mr. Sheen out with them as the track was so dusty, or perhaps even a beach towel, but instead they opted to concentrate on conventional batting. 

Cricket on a beach? I'd had practice 3 months earlier

The opening hour of play didn’t progress too well for us as Heath and Waterhouse indulged themselves on a healthy diet of four balls and put together a useful stand of 64. One of the aforementioned boundaries brought up Jonathon Waterhouse’s 1,000 runs for the season and also lost our new cherry, not that this was necessarily an impediment as we were looking to get the spinners into the game early. One wag in Moddershall colours commented out of the corner of his mouth that it wasn’t all that surprising that Addo brought himself on to bowl when he did – after all, Wart was threatening to forge a lead in the race for the league record! Even less surprising was that Addo brought himself on at the end where Jim ‘Moddershall through and through’ Elton was umpiring. Jim had been pressed into action at the eleventh hour due to the non-appearance of the appointed umpire, but Addo was not going to get any special favours from Mr Elton.

As it transpired, no special favours were needed. From the moment Waterhouse edged an extremely wide ball into Mauler’s hands at slip, Leycett were on the slippery slope towards a nothing total. Indeed, had an alien spacecraft landed at Bamfields, Spot Acre at 2.00pm on Sunday, July 30th 1995 for a three-hour exploratory mission into typical human activity, then its occupants could have disembarked, padded up and done a lot better than most of Leycett’s batsmen. Their number four batsman was so thoroughly village that, had his innings been shown in one of those dull BBC 2 period dramas about boring upper middle-class families with an obligatory ‘cricket scene’ in them, you would probably have yelled at the TV: “that’s ridiculous. Nobody bats like that, not even uncoordinated four-year-old girls!” 

unconvincing cricket shot: Fernando Llorente (Athletic Bilbao)

At the other end to Agile, Darren Carr, who had figures of 0 for 29 after four overs, suddenly slotted into a groove and picked up the wicket of Heath, pegging Leycett back to 84 for 2. We were, quite literally, into the tail-enders, and soon both spinners were operating to 7-2 split fields. The peculiar thing was that the two fielders Addo had designated to patrol the Wrekin side of the ground were our two oldest: Coke and Barry. Perhaps Addo thought that it was more economical to use two forty-year-olds than four twenty-year olds (as Mr. Spock might once have said, “highly illogical captain”). Nevertheless, every ball seemed to carry a wicket threat; the batsmen were tumbling and catches were being held. Even I managed to hold one, as well as taking a couple of stumpings.

There was, as ever, one moment of controversy. It occurred when Dennis Elliott edged Darren Carr, the spin doctor, to Wayne at gully. Bart claimed the catch, the umpire gave him out, we congregated, then Addo called him back, unsure himself but prepared to give the batsman the benefit of the doubt. Elliott went on his way regardless, the bowler commenting that he was probably pleased he had something fresh to grumble about. The rest of the batsmen came and went with minimal fuss and we were left with the relatively easy task of scoring 146 to win, albeit on a deteriorating track that had more holes in it than OJ Simpson’s defence.

Had Leycett had a more dangerous new-ball pairing and better spinners, with better support seamers to back them up, then their total might have proven quite useful. The first ball I received, just the second of the innings, reared off a length and struck me on the right forearm; a couple of overs later, Addo tried to cut a ball that got too big on him but survived courtesy of a dropped catch by Elliott at slip. From then on it was a pretty straightforward chase. I nudged and fudged away whilst Addo spanked boundaries, and by the time we’d brought up the 100 in the 19th over the 20 points were in the bank and gathering interest. 

dog: tired

Before the formalities were completed, however, we were both dismissed: I played a tired slog off Lee Mason and was caught and bowled; Addo (probably because he fancied a fag) got himself stumped having made 81 from just 66 balls. The remaining runs were knocked off in a blur by Harv, including two huge sixes – a good job, too, as Mauler was being tied in knots by the pace, penetration, and patter of Dennis Elliott, a bowler he was very keen not to be dismissed by.

With another hard week at work around the corner (well, not for me, but you know what I mean), it was understandable that the boys should want to sink a couple of beers, understandable, too, that Mauler should seek to supplement his income by arranging a game of Killer pool. The people who put their quids into the hat were:

                       

                                    3/1F – Kev ‘Cyclone’ Colclough

                                    5/1 – John ‘Gale Force 2’ Myatt

                                    10/1 – ‘Mr Pot’ Scott Oliver

                                    33/1 – ‘Tornado’ Two Dogs Williams

                                    50/1 – Jon ‘Agile’ Addison

                                    100/1 – Shaun ‘The Breeze’ Brian

Well, they might as well have just given me the cash and saved themselves the trouble. The three outsiders disappeared pretty quickly, whilst Mauler did well but missed the pressure shots. Coke drank like Bill Werbenuik with a thirst on, but unfortunately for him also played like Bill Werbenuik, which left lil’ ol’ me to pouch the readies. Ker-ching.                

MODDERSHALL WON BY 8 WICKETS

LEYCETT 145 all out (43.3 overs)

R Heath 37, J Waterhouse 34, S Bethell 32, J Addison 6-27, D Carr 4-48

MODDERSHALL 146 for 2 (29.1 overs)

J. Addison 81

MODDERSHALL 20 points

LEYCETT 4 points