'AWNIOGO': NORTON (H)

Saturday, August 12

With Bignall End meeting Ashcombe Park in what we hoped would be a no-score draw, we had the chance to close the gap at the top of the table by disposing of the crack outfit from Norton. We had two changes from the side that lost at Kidsgrove: Shaun Brian replaced his father (no pocket money for Shaun this week) whilst Drew, having returned from Spain with an ear infection allegedly caused by two kids constantly nagging him for some “petaters”, came in for Cokey, the latter having gone to Wales.

Mick Caddie, the diminutive Norton skipper, called correctly at the toss and asked us to bat despite his best bowler having still to arrive. Runs flowed freely at the start of our innings as I got served the lion’s share of the freebies and tucked in heartily, hitting 10 boundaries on my way to a half-century, made from 51 balls. A ton was there for the taking (by someone else of course, because I have a negligible amount of self-control and was bound to play the Kamikaze shot I did, getting out caught at cover with the score on 91). 

what  Heardy had been spending 

Hussein, the slow left-armer who dismissed me, had obviously parked his sled and reindeers up the road somewhere, as only Santa Claus could have brought as many gifts as he did. Minty unwrapped his own presents, three full-tosses and a long-hop, in the space of one over, but this was clearly a ploy to lure him into complacency mode and he was soon trapped lbw by Les Sherratt, who had taken a day off from his preferred hobby of trainspotting. Both Harv and I learned a valuable lesson about complacency and as Dickie trudged off ruefully we found ourselves at 141 for 2 from 30 overs and really needing to press on and declare, for obvious reasons.

Addo had been batting like the West Indians in the Trent Bridge Test Match – unfortunately he was closer to Sherwin Campbell’s five-hour 40-odd than Lara’s quickfire century – and was on the verge of being slow hand-clapped when a change of bats also brought about a change in tempo. Having spent two hours reaching his half-century, he started to flay the bowling to all points of the compass, prompting Mauler to do likewise. Together they added 99 runs in 12 overs whilst I fantasized about the merits of backyard cricket, where the more batsman-friendly rules allow you to have at least one chance before you are dismissed. Those were the days… Instead of being out in the middle scoring runs, I spent the afternoon triple-jumping on the boundary with Wayne and Drew whilst reading them passages from an essay on the German existentialist philosopher Martin Heidegger’s Being and Nothingness, which I’m sure they enjoyed! 

Heidegger: possibly a Nazi

The declaration came at 4.30, after Mauler had clubbed Sherratt for 24 in an over to bring up his own 50 and the bowler’s ton. It was Mauler’s third half-century of the season and took only 32 balls, 21 of which were spent getting into double figures. Whether Addo realized it or not, his declaration left him stranded 8 runs short of what would have been his fourth century of the season, but it was the correct decision. For Norton to knock off the 240 runs, we reckoned, Mick Caddie would have to make about half of them. Whilst he is a useful and dangerous player (in fact his colleague and drinking partner, Iain Wain, considers him to be “the best batsman in the league” – I jest not!), he is over-reliant on a good eye and will always give the fielding side a chance. Darren claimed we had nothing to fear from a man who shares his seven-year-old son’s kit. 

As usual we bowled like drones to begin with, allowing 40 runs to be scored in the opening 8 overs, before Shaun Brian bowled Griffiths with an off-cutter. Caddie meanwhile vas playing a shot-a-ball and raced to fifty by clipping Mauler, who had replaced Iain Carr at the Pavilion End, through square-leg. However, John did get some reward when he forced West into nicking behind to leave Norton on 57 for 2. The incoming batsman, Richard Slater, looked tentative at first but then gave Caddie good assistance in a stand of 40.

Norton all-rounders ain't what they used to be...

Just as a glimmer of light was starting to appear for Norton we snuffed it out by taking three quick wickets that plunged them into deep trouble. Caddie led the procession as he scooped Wayne straight to Addo at mid-wicket. Wayne then trapped Clowes in front with a boomerang of an inswinger, before he returned Addo’s favour by taking a sharp chance at silly-point to remove Slater. With the scoreboard reading 102 for 5, victory would have been a formality but for the rare and unexpected appearance of rain. It was Sod’s Law that the first league match to be interrupted by the weather since June 10th had to be against Norton, of all sides, and just as we were moving in for the kill.

The light spots that had been falling for about ten minutes grew into a steady drizzle, and at 6.30 the umpires had no choice but to leave the field. The covers were pushed on (by everyone except Lovejoy and Mauler, who pleaded that there was a rule allowing pro’s and ex-pro’s to excuse themselves from this chore) and we retired to the dressing room waiting for the black clouds to blow over. The omens were especially bad, though, as Drew had confidently predicted that it would stop quite soon, and as everybody knows Heardy’s meteorological forecasting leaves a lot to be desired.

Fishy forecasting

As the rain came down, we tried to keep ourselves occupied in our own various ways: Addo smoked, Shaun climbed up things, Hawk strolled around, Drew stared dolefully up at the skies, Iain Carr went in search of Bernie, Smudge told everybody about the Cosworth he overtook the night before, I read my book, and Daz and Harv started flinging a cricket ball around the dressing room very hard. Apart from being annoying, this was also dangerous if you weren’t watching the ball, so I found them a sponge ball to use instead. Soon there was a full-scale volleyball match in progress and I decided, after my second blow to the face, that the only way I could go on reading was by putting on my helmet. Sure enough I was still being disturbed so I sat inside my coffin and attempted to ignore them. I had just got comfortable when Wayne crouched over me and farted into my grille, at which point I left…

Just before 7 o’clock, the rain subsided to a barely noticeable spit, but the umpires, bound by regulations, could not restart play until it had stopped completely. Thankfully, this happened to be at 7.20 pm, by which time we were left with 15.3 overs to take the last five wickets, a task that could well prove tricky with a damp ball.

Wayne Stones looking pleased with his bowling form 

Wayne, returning at the Road End to finish the over he had started almost an hour earlier, got things off to a brilliant start when he found the edge of Wain’s bat and presented me with a second easy catch. In his next over Bart struck again, clean bowling Willshaw with a yorker. His five-wicket haul, taken in only 23 balls at a cost of 8 runs, was completed an over later when Sherratt fended off a surprise bouncer straight to Darren Carr at second slip. Norton had crashed from 97 for 2 to 117 for 8, leaving us 70 deliveries to claim the last two wickets.

However, things became complicated when Howard and Hussein stuck around for over six overs, so Addo decided to take Wayne off and replace him with Barrington Brian’s extra pace. Considering Shaun’s erratic opening burst it was a calculated risk, but the gamble paid off when he castled Hussein with only his third ball. We knew victory was in the bag when Landon, the number 11, walked out to bat chewing on a carrot and Howard clearly didn’t trust his partner either as he flashed hard at Shaun allowing Hawk to take a fittingly brilliant catch at third slip. The 20 points hoisted us back into second place, above Newcastle, who had lost to Kidsgrove. We were now only 5 points behind Bignall End, who could only glean 2 points from their game with Ashcombe. Going into the final six games, consensus was that we were confident of promotion providing we won our fair share of tosses. It was certainly going to be close, but then again, walkovers are no fun at all.

MODDERSHALL WON BY 89 RUNS 

MODDERSHALL 240 for 2 dec. (42 overs)
J Addison 92*, S Oliver 51, J Myatt 50*, R Harvey 33
NORTON 151 all out (34.1 overs)
M Caddie 63, W Stones 5-25, S Brian 3-3 1

MODDERSHALL 20 points
NORTON 5 points