'AWNIOGO': LEYCETT (A)

Saturday, May 13

At last my return to the fray had arrived. Although still sore, the pinkie wasn’t too painful to run on but it was bound to be a little risky to come back so soon since another blow would certainly mean that I was out for a further month. In spite of this, I was desperate to get back to playing; having scored half-centuries both home and away against Leycett last season, I quite fancied the chance of repeating the feat. I suspect that Smudge was quite pleased that I was back, too, as it meant that he no longer had to keep wicket.

Despite the keenness to return, unfortunately my preparation for the game wasn’t exactly 100 per cent professional. Friday, May 12th was my twenty-second birthday and, as is compulsory, I had been on a Leo Sayer in Nottingham with mates from Uni, the night ending with me being thrown out of Ritzy’s nightclub whilst wearing an enormous sombrero that we had ‘borrowed’ – or liberated – from a Mexican restaurant called Muchachos earlier in the evening. At midday on Saturday, having spent an uncomfortable five hours sleeping fully-clothed on a friend’s sofa, I was busy throwing up a Big Mac on the car park of the Drive-Thru McDonalds in Derby. Not good. 

Anyway, having wormed our way through the sprawling metropolis of Leycett, Rick Basnett, my lift, eventually got me to the ground for twenty-to-two at which point I was greeted with the disturbing sight of the rest of the boys going through a vigorous sequence of stretching exercises. I did my warm-up (an aspirin, a painkiller and a fag) then moseyed out to the square to inspect the track. Leycett’s pitch had developed a reputation similar to that of Marks & Spencer – the place to go for dull draws – and it was obvious why, since the wicket resembled a hedgehog that had been run over by a steamroller: flat, brown and lifeless. 

On winning another toss, Addo shoved Leycett in, believing that it would be difficult to dismiss a side on this pitch in order to win the game. On the other hand, I thought it would be difficult to chase runs on this surface, so it was essential we bowled accurately. When Mauler struck in the first over to remove Leycett’s captain, Rob Heath, I felt that if we could also remove his partner, Jonathan Waterhouse, Leycett’s new professional, we stood a fair chance of rolling them over. Things didn’t quite go to plan, however. Wart, countering some decent seam bowling by thrusting his big left leg at every other ball, found a reliable partner in Dave Redfern and together they added 85 for the second wicket. Redfern bears an uncanny resemblance to Timothy Claypole off Rentaghost, and it was certainly debatable as to which one of them has the most strokes in his repertoire. 

Does your mansion house need haunting?

Just as this partnership was beginning to become more than merely frustrating, a miracle occurred. They once said that Man would never walk on the moon. They said that Mike Tyson was unbeatable. And they said that Andy Hawkins would never bowl again. But bowl again is exactly what he did, and it was Seth who split this partnership in his third over. It was obviously great news for our promotion chances to have Hawk – the quickest of our seamers – back bowling, and although he struggled with no-balls, pushing more balls than usual down the leg-side, I was sure he’d soon get back to his best. After a couple of verbal exchanges with Wart, sprinkled with some choice expletives (which mainly concerned the batsman’s habit of hiding the bat and kicking the ball away, something that Hawk is equally adept at doing it should be noted), Andy was rested, allowing Addo, somewhat belatedly, to introduce spin to the proceedings. The rewards were almost immediate, with Leycett sliding from 138 for 2 to 183 for 7 at tea. Bart claimed the prize scalp of Waterhouse, pouched safely at mid-on by Mauler. 

Having only bowled 52 overs by tea, we had to polish them off immediately upon resumption if we were to give ourselves a decent chance of winning. Leycett’s tailenders proved awkward to shift, enabling their skipper to enjoy the luxury of being able to declare, which he did in the last over, at a quarter to six, with the score on 208 for 9. Out of that total, Addo and Wayne’s combined figures were 7 for 58 from 25.4 overs of left-arm spin. With hindsight, it’s always easy to say that they should have bowled earlier but both captain and vice (me) thought the wicket wouldn’t take spin. However, as Barry Brian pointed out, Addo should have had an over much earlier, if only to see if it would turn. If it didn’t, he could just as easily come off again. Whilst it wasn’t exactly a ‘Bunsen burner’, it did offer enough help to encourage and the delay was a definite oversight on our part. Spilt milk, now…

All we need is one good over...

We began the chase quietly confident. The track was slow and low but I reckoned their attack wouldn’t be able to contain us if we could establish a solid platform. After a sedate opening, disaster struck in the sixth over when both Addo and myself were dismissed. The pro was brilliantly caught and bowled by Brazier from a full-blooded drive and two balls later I naïvely went back to one that kept low and the subsequent death-rattle confirmed my fears. The middle order played solidly, however, and a partial recovery was made. At 64 for 2 we looked like getting back on top, but then Mauler fell victim to another shooter and was trapped lbw, a decision that John wasn’t entirely in agreement with. Then again, when does Mauler (or anyone) ever agree with the umpire after being given out leg before?

Hawk joined Barry and together they took the total past 100 before two more quick wickets all but killed us off. Barry went first, falling to another good catch in the outfield by Brazier, then Bully ran himself out without troubling the scorers. Drew getting a duck is bad enough under any circumstances but the fact that he was run out as well meant that the dressing room had to be rapidly evacuated to allow our Scottish comrade a moment or two alone, a short period for him to gather his thoughts calmly (or, failing that, just kick the crap out of somebody). From that point on we had our backs to the wall and the situation worsened when Billy Carr, Batting Star, failed for once. Andy was then castled whilst trying to pull the game out of the fire, before Cokey and Smudger nudged us towards and eventually past 150. But by this time victory was as likely as Shergar winning next year’s Grand National. Obviously, Shergar raced on the flat not over hurdles.

At any rate, with hope all but disappeared, we lost our last three wickets for the addition of only 3 runs to be bowled out for 158. Shaun Brian, the last man to fall, was disconsolate, but the game had been lost much earlier. Losing any match is disappointing, particularly against a side containing Dennis Elliott, not a man who could be described as happy go lucky and who was extremely rude about our club when a Dean Headley-inspired Leycett skittled us for 51 in just our second ever North Staffs & South Cheshire match. Ultimately, however, it wasn’t so much a case of Leycett outplaying Moddershall as us shooting ourselves in the foot by chasing right up until the point of impossibility. Barring an entire obliteration of our side in a Munich air disaster-style tragedy, Leycett, honest as they are, will not finish above us in the league and therefore pose no threat as far as promotion goes. So, if there was anything positive to be taken from this game then it was this: having lost a match so early in the season, we were no longer prey to the dangerous tendency of protecting an unbeaten record at the expense of chasing difficult targets. A conservative mentality would not suit a team packed full of mavericks.

Leaving Leycett: outskirts (and city centre)

Despite this first loss of the season, we dutifully observed Drew’s old maxim – “Win or lose, always booze” – with a pub crawl of Leycett (that is, we drank at both ends of their bar) then returned to Moddershall where Bart, Lovejoy and I drank ‘til we stank and smoked ‘til we choked. Wayne finished the evening in great style, unleashing a psychedelic burp on the grass just outside the clubhouse. 

MODDERSHALL LOST BY 50 RUNS 

LEYCETT 208 for 9 dec. (59.4 overs) 
J Waterhouse 62, D Redfern 33, J Addison 4-32, W Stones 3-26  

MODDERSHALL 158 all out (38.5 overs) 

A Hawkins 41, B Brian 35, J Myatt 30, L Mason 3-55 

MODDERSHALL 8 points
LEYCETT 20 points

'AWNIOGO': BETLEY (H)

Monday, May 8

The Bank Holiday visit of Betley saw Paul Kingsbury come into the side in place of Harv, whose injury should keep him out for about a month. His face had swollen enormously and he had dark bruising surrounding his right eye. I was tempted to offer him a Panda Pop, but thought better of it. In recent seasons, Dickie has had atrocious luck with injuries: a freak skiing accident forced him to miss the whole of last season, and a couple of years earlier he broke his arm after being thrown from a car following a crash near Sneyd Cricket Club. However, due to the atmosphere at Moddershall this year, both he and I still felt very much a part of the team despite being sat on the sidelines, still able to twiddle our thumbs. 

Addo lost his first toss of the season and, unsurprisingly, we were asked to bat. The weather conditions were Arctic, almost cold enough to have forced Anthony Ledger into wearing a sleeveless jumper. We started well, and had passed 50 before the first wicket fell. The victim was Andy Hawkins, run out by a furlong when he looked up to see the rampant Lovejoy standing about 4 yards away, shouting ‘Yes’. Hawk appeared as shocked as everybody else that Addo had run a quick single, and had no option but to sacrifice himself.

Elevated to number 3 following his match-winning efforts at Crewe a couple of days earlier, Barry Brian came in and looked comfortable against the seamers in making 19, but then chipped the off-spin of Neil Harrison straight to long-on. The third wicket was that of Mauler, who had bludgeoned a couple of massive sixes in his 22 before being bowled by the unmistakable rotund and hirsute figure of Paul Belfield. Shortly afterwards, Addo lofted Harrison to deep mid-wicket with the score at 146 and was pouched by Richie Jervis, fifteen short of a century.

Addo’s dismissal brought Iain Carr trotting out to the square to join Heardy and the pair of them proceeded to carve the ball around the ground in a magnificent, soul-destroying century stand. Heardy’s half-century was vintage Tacker, full of slogs, sweeps, slashes and squirts. It is an immensely difficult task to bowl at Drew at the best of times because he manages to get the ball away at the weirdest of angles, yet today he was in prime form and all but seven of his 51 not out came in boundaries. Billy was not to be outdone, though, and despite the slowing down of what had been quite an impressive over-rate he kept on standing tall and clubbing straight through the line, matching Bully’s enormous six off Butler with an even better one of his own, dispatched over deep extra-cover from a low full toss! 

Time for tea: Mmmm 

Addo kept Betley in the field until tea, by which time Iain had completed his maiden first team half-century from exactly 50 balls. As Harrison led his team from the field, looking thoroughly demoralised, we decided to put them out of their misery, declaring at 247 for 4. Everyone enjoyed their half-time cuppa as we contemplated setting about dismissing Betley, which wouldn’t prove easy as, although Cowap was missing, they had a strong top order. But we had scored enough runs to ensure that we could maintain attacking field-placings throughout.

I didn’t think Betley would be prepared to take up the challenge, particularly with Butler opening the batting, and when they got off to the worst possible start I was sure they wouldn’t. Their disastrous opening was down to John Myatt, who, having spent the early part of the season operating as a change bowler, had announced during the tea interval that he fancied taking the new ball. The fact that he was snarling like a hungry rottweiler probably convinced Addo that it was worthwhile to give him the new cherry, although the skipper was a little concerned about whether or not it was fair to Billy and Barrington. As neither of them had been bowling particularly well, it was an easy decision. Mauler was unleashed.

John usually bowls quite a tame first ball but on this occasion he sent down a straight, quick delivery that the dangerous Simon Cork edged straight to Lovejoy at second slip. This early success sparked John into bowling an extremely lively and hostile opening burst which netted him another wicket in his fifth over when Butler was caught off bat and pad by Wayne. Jonathan Cork joined Richie Jervis and they both played impressively before being removed in consecutive overs by Cokey. At 82 for 4 with a probable 25 overs still to be bowled and not a massive amount of batting to come, victory was definitely within our sights. 

Paul Belfield 

Having taken 2 for 16 in his opening spell, Mauler was recalled to the attack and immediately knocked over Neil Harrison with an unplayable leg-cutter. Paul Belfield – looking like Meatloaf in whites – fell next, bowled by Cokey as he attempted to put the ball into another universe, the one in which his mind is located, I’d guess. 14 overs remained and 4 wickets were needed.

When it comes to blocking out for a draw, it has to be said that Moddershall’s track is not the most difficult upon which to do it for an organized batsman, particularly in the early part of the season when there is a dearth of pace and bounce, and so Dumbill and Baskerville found it. The former, somehow managing to survive Mauler’s barrage of short stuff with wicket and health intact, clung on for 29, whilst Baskerville’s survival was principally due to him playing far enough down the wrong line not to get an edge.

It was curious that Addo decided to share four of the final fourteen overs between P.K. and Heardy. Also, it bemused a lot of people that the skipper didn’t have a trundle himself, especially as Betley’s spinner had bowled 21 overs. Then again, he only took 2 for 83 and both wickets were catches in the deep…

It was ultimately frustrating to collect only two more points than our opponents having thoroughly dominated the match from start to finish, but I’m sure we shall play much worse and collect 20 points. Despite being one of the teams fancied for promotion, Betley must have left Moddershall feeling completely chastened, knowing full well that they had had finished a distant second. 

MATCH DRAWN 

MODDERSHALL 247 for 4 dec. (53 overs) 
J Addison 85, I Carr 54*, A Heard 51*
BETLEY 156 for 6 (46 overs) 
R Jervis 37, J Myatt 3-37, K Colclough 3-28 

MODDERSHALL 8 points
BETLEY 6 points

'AWNIOGO': CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE (A)

The most popular view of Crewe (most common, and most desired)

Saturday, May 6

Having just kicked them out of the Talbot Cup, I suppose we were expected to give Crewe Rolls-Royce a good hiding in the league as well. Maybe, but we had to guard against complacency as it hasn’t exactly been one of our happier hunting grounds in recent years. In fact, we had never previously even come close to winning there. Still unfit, I was nevertheless keen to watch, if only to feel more involved. So, with fingers crossed and anti-perspirant liberally applied to counter the freakish heat, I jumped into the Heardmobile and off we set for Cheshire.

Drew usually has a nightmare when he takes me to Crewe because I have developed the habit of exposing his wee eardrums to whatever happens to be my favourite album of the moment. A few years back, when I was obsessed with Cud’s When in Rome... LP, he chuntered some unintelligible scotch curse all the way there and was bowled by the very first ball of the match: a slow, looping full-toss! Last year, although he didn’t admit it, I’m sure he quite enjoyed Blur’s Parklife; so this year I thought I’d bring something mellow and classy – something, if you will, to match Drew’s own personality. Unable to find The Angus McHaggis Bagpipe Orchestra’s 20 Greatest Highland Warbles, I opted instead for Dummy by Portishead. By the time we had reached the A500, Heardy was tapping his feet, shaking his head and loving every minute of it. Honest…

…We reached the outskirts of Crewe, followed the signs for Leighton Hospital (something poor old Dickie Harvey would have to do twice that day), and arrived at the ground nice and early. The wicket was firm and well grassed and seemed certain to have a bit of pace; so, on winning the toss, Addo invited our hosts to bat, no doubt hoping to inflict some major early damage. Unfortunately the new ball must have been a little bit slippery, because Crewe reached 13 without scoring a single run off the bat as Billy and Barrington roared in…and bowled wides.

With the temperature touching 30 degrees Celsius and with us having started so inauspiciously, I got the feeling it was going to be a very long afternoon, so I limped into the bar (making sure that everyone could see and share my agony) and bought myself a beer. As acting twelfthers, I also got a large bottle of water for the boys and wandered around the boundary, hoping to find a spot to settle in. By the time I had made myself comfortable in front of the rhododendrons, our seamers had started to bowl well and were beating the bat fairly regularly. For all that, Crewe reached 47 without loss in 14 overs due both to extremely attacking field-placings and some good running between the wickets. Then, thanks to the first of two catches in quick succession by Cokey, the openers were removed and soon afterwards Sadler was bowled to leave them on 54 for 3. Things were looking better.

In the searing heat it was always going to be difficult to maintain the pressure and our concentration, and so it was that a few chances went begging before Wayne Stones, playing his first game after returning from his season at Bramshall, picked up a sharp catch at short-leg to give us the fourth wicket. Bart’s return to Moddershall should prove extremely beneficial to the side. Although unlikely to bat much higher than number 9, he is a good, confident striker of the ball as well as being well capable of blocking out for a draw should it be required. His versatility in the field is the biggest plus. As well as being a brilliant fielder in the deep or at short-leg, he is an unorthodox left-arm spinner who can also bowl late swingers at a deceptively nippy pace.

Wayne Tomkinson 

Anyway, forty minutes before tea, with Rolls-Royce precariously placed on 111 for 5, I thought we were capable of finishing them off for under 150. But our efforts were met with dogged resistance, particularly from Wayne Tomkinson, who, despite wearing a ridiculously large Aussie-style cap that made him look like the boy from the Hovis advert, batted well enough to enable Crewe to reach 172 for 6 at the interval. Heardy had had another bowl but was brought crashing back down to earth with figures of 0 for 27 off 6 overs. With us only having bowled 52 overs by tea, it looked as though we’d blown our chances. However, the stale butties, weak tea and soggy cake must have brought on a bout of generosity in the opposing skipper as he declared on 209 for 7 at a quarter-to-six, leaving 70 minutes plus a minimum 20 overs. 

Every time we have chased a target on this ground, we have started appallingly. Last year we were reeling at 6 for 3 with Addo, Mauler and myself all hutched up for nothing or next to nothing. In 1992, our promotion season, we were 0 for 2 after 3 balls! So, a good start was important, if not crucial.

The first over passed without incident. However, Andy Hawkins, opening with Addo in my absence, was soon in for a bit of a shock as the ball was tossed to an innocuous looking random punter, squat, strong and with a comic gait, short steps and feet turned out. Glenn Haywood was this particular cowboy’s name and although he was perhaps a little over-indulgent in his use of the bouncer (five out of six on average) he bowled straight and quick.* Having sat Seth on his arse twice, something that only Paula can normally manage, he then found his outside edge (24 for 1). When Addo was yorked in the next over, stumps demolished, things were beginning to look grim. They then got worse, much worse, as Harv was helped from the field after taking a sickening blow to the face whilst attempting to hook yet another short ball from Haywood – or should that be Larwood?

Haywood tests out the middle of the pitch

Rolls-Royce went on the offensive and Haywood knocked over Mauler’s stumps just as he was looking set. So, by the start of the final hour we had stumbled along to 69 for 3 (effectively for 4 with Harv in A&E) from the 17 overs they had bowled. Seven runs per over is a sizable task under the best of circumstances, but on a large ground against buoyant opposition it was going to prove extremely tough. However, with our strong and deep batting line-up, the chance of victory was still there. 

Drew and Barry used all their cunning and experience in keeping the scoreboard ticking over, taking the score to 111, the dreaded Nelson, before Heardy was bowled for 35. At this point Addo tossed in the wild-card: the talismanic figure of Kev Colclough, who was sent out to inflict his own unique brand of carnage upon the opposition. Quick singles, normally of paramount importance in a successful run chase, were always likely to be few and far between with this pair of senior citizens out in the middle. This is partly due to Coke dealing almost exclusively in boundaries, but also because Bazzer was struggling having pulled a muscle whilst fielding. To add insult to injury (excuse the pun), our request for a runner for Barry was rejected by the umpires, Les Stott and Gerald Bennion. The latter of the two appears to go hand in hand with controversy when officiating in our matches. He was the umpire who gave the Nantwich player, Gerhard Venter, not out when he hit a half-volley straight back to Darren Carr, claiming it was a bump-ball!! Here he was again, deciding in favour of Crewe Rolls-Royce, another side from Cheshire, causing one wag to wonder whether it was mere coincidence that Mr Bennion resides in Manor Way, Crewe?

Undeterred, Cokey hit 24 from 22 balls before miscuing to long-off, whilst Bazzer held things together at the other end, biding his time for the final surge. At 145 for 5, Iain Carr strode out to the square representing probably our last realistic chance of victory. Boundaries were still hard to come by, but the odd one was managed. Allied to some not-exactly-scampered twos and threes (an indication of the size of the playing area), this left us needing 25 runs to win from the last three overs. It was tense stuff; I was up and down like a kangaroo on a pogo-stick. Rolls-Royce seemed to be holding their collective nerve and bowled straight and full, making the opportunity for runs scarce. We went into the final over still requiring a dozen runs with Bazzer facing the raw speed of Haywood.

A single was nudged from the first ball, then Billy launched the next to deep mid-wicket and took three runs, which kept us up with the necessary rate of two-per-ball. With lengthening shadows creeping across the pitch, Sadler took time to change his field placing, deciding finally on posting three men behind square on the offside boundary. If this was a ploy designed to disturb Barry’s concentration, then it was doomed to failure; he is a pretty phlegmatic character and was probably completely unruffled by the pressure. In fact, he was quite possibly glad to have had a rest! Finally, the fielders were in position and Haywood sprinted in, banging the ball in short and wide. Barry cut hard and it flashed square, perfectly bisecting the two converging third-man fielders round by the score box. It was the boundary we desperately needed, a boundary that might have prompted Mr Richie Benaud to say “I can tell you one thing: you won’t see a better shot than that all summer”; however, it prompted me to simply say “Yeeessss! Get in there, you beauty!” The game was by no means over yet, though, as four runs were still needed from three balls…

Barry tucked the fourth ball away, but only a single was made: 3 from 2 balls required. Now it was Billy’s turn under the spotlight. Again he flicked the ball out into the deep, dashing back for two to retain the strike. Amidst the drama, the umpires seemed unsure of the scoreboard’s veracity, but Tina Colclough confirmed that the scores were level and that there was one ball remaining. The fielders all came in. I crossed my fingers and toes, broken or otherwise, waiting. The bowler started his run-up; as he whirled over his arm I sent out a telepathic message for him to bowl a wide… Billy pushed it into the covers, found the gap, and sprinted through for the winning run. We had done it. Get in. We had finally won at Crewe Rolls-Royce. Considering none of our top four had reached 20, it was an astonishing victory.

In the bar afterwards we could hardly get a word in edgeways as Barry screamed and shouted at the top of his voice, describing ever more loudly and in ever-increasing detail his crucial final over boundary. Or maybe not. If it were me, you’d never have heard the end of it. A great knock under pressure.

After their second defeat inside a week at the hands of Moddershall, rumour had it that, due to a decline in playing standards, Crewe Rolls-Royce will next year change their name to Crewe Reliant Robin. 

MODDERSHALL WON BY 5 WICKETS 

CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE 209 for 7 dec. (56 overs) 
W Tomkinson 70*
MODDERSHALL 210 for 5 (37 overs) 
B Brian 60*, I Carr 35*, A Heard 35 

MODDERSHALL 20 points
CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE 7 points


* Glenn signed for us the following season and was given the almost perfect nickname ‘the ten-to-two from Crewe’ on account of the angle of his feet, his speed, his home town, and his usual arrival time.

'AWNIOGO': CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE (H)*

Sunday, April 30

TALBOT CUP, ROUND 1 

When facing the gentle medium-pace of Drew Heard in the nets on a Friday evening, you can do one of two things: either get angry and frustrated at the monotonous regularity with which he seems to find the ridge, or get angry and frustrated at the monotonous regularity with which he seems to find the corner of the net down the leg side. In short, Drew is a batsman. No doubt he himself would claim to be an all-rounder, but those of us in the know regard him as a batsman. I mean, proper bowlers don’t stare at their feet when delivering the ball. And proper bowlers usually have run-ups that are longer than their own shoelaces. Not Drew. And do you know why? That’s right, because HE IS A BATSMAN.

However, what should I hear when I phoned up to find out the result of our first round Talbot Cup clash with Royces? Drew had won the game with the ball by taking 3 for 4 from 2 overs!!!

According to my sources, the story of the game was this: we had won the toss and elected to bat. Iain Carr top-scored with 40, but the crucial innings was long-handled by Coke, whose 37 was made from only 24 balls and included 3 sixes and 2 fours. This brutal cameo hoisted our score into the realms of respectability, but the team would have to bowl and field with discipline if they were to defend a score of 189.

When Barrington Brian’s radar went on the blink in only his second over (during which he sent down nine wides), things weren’t looking too good. From 23 for 2, Rolls-Royce progressed to 103 for 2, with Tomkinson and Hampshire both into their forties and going well. Cokey came on and slowed things down but it took a dreadful piece of captaincy for us to win the match. Addo disobeyed the unwritten Moddershall law that states: when struggling in the field, avoid eye-contact with Drew Heard. Bully was tossed the cherry and within ten deliveries the game was over.

It is not unusual for Drew’s bowling to change the course of a match. Normally, he bowls, we lose. Not this time. Cokey got out his Mr Sheen and polished off the tail and we finished up winning comfortably. Thanks to a next-round bye, this victory gives us direct passage to the quarter-finals; maybe the name of Moddershall has already been engraved on the cup by the Fates. You never know…

Drew’s performance earned him nothing more than a congratulatory telephone call from his skipper at half-past midnight, something that pleased Yvonne no end. 

MODDERSHALL WON BY 41 RUNS 

MODDERSHALL 189 for 6 (40 overs) 
I Carr 40, K Colclough 37*, A Hawkins 30
CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE 148 all out (36.5 overs) 
P Hampshire 43, W Tomkinson 42, K Colclough 4-14, A Heard 3-4

'AWNIOGO': SNEYD (H)

Saturday, April 29

Disaster! Catastrophe! Calamity!

Whilst playing the opening group match of the Universities’ Championship for Nottingham at Loughborough (our arch-rivals), I stepped straight into a fastish inswinging yorker and broke the big toe in my left foot. Already my season was on the back burner, and I would be out for between 3 and 5 weeks. Bummer!

So I was left sat on a sofa in Nottingham, feet up, watching Rugby League on TV and trying to milk some sympathy, wondering how Moddershall were faring against Sneyd’s Asian onslaught.

Around 9pm I telephoned the club and, going solely by the sound of boozy euphoria in the background, I guessed that 20 points had been safely banked, a fact confirmed by Baggers. Promotion is mainly achieved by having the ability to put away the lesser sides and this was an excellent start. A thoroughly clinical job had been done, at least that is how it seemed from what I could glean from the two match reports I was given. The first of these, from Addo, contained the word ‘brilliant’ at least thirty times, and the second, from Heardy, contained a lot of words but unfortunately I could not make head nor tail of anything he was saying in his Jock lilt, a warbling stream of vowels – apart from the recurrent reminder of his “red-inker”.

Stuff ‘em in, roll ‘em over, knock ‘em off. That’s the formula. 

MODDERSHALL WON BY 8 WICKETS 

SNEYD 160 all out (35.3 overs) 
M Ali 87, I Carr 4-47, K Colclough 3-43
MODDERSHALL 161 for 2 (31.4 overs) 
J Addison 71 ret. hurt, A Hawkins 39

MODDERSHALL 20 points
SNEYD 5 points 

'AWNIOGO': BUXTON (A)

Saturday, April 22

Following another long winter of discontent, I was delighted to be packing my newly acquired coffin in readiness for what I hoped would prove to be a highly successful season, both personally and for Moddershall Cricket Club as a whole. I had spent the majority of the close season in Valencia, where cricket is as commonplace as bullfighting in Bentilee, so my preparation had been limited to – and now is a good time to get your violins of sympathy ready – a fortnight-long tour of Barbados with Nottingham University CC (yielding 29 runs in 4 innings) and a solitary net-practice at Clayton. Something told me that neither experience was likely to bear much resemblance to batting at Buxton in mid-April, when the customary attire consists of an umbrella, an anorak and a sturdy pair of wellies.

When I arose to see a light yet steady drizzle falling from sombre looking skies, I realized that the prospect of play was bleak. Logic tells you that if it is spitting with rain in Stone then it is almost guaranteed to be monsoon-strength in Buxton, where their rather pleasant cricket ground is unfortunately positioned just over the back of Bill’s mother’s.

Having this particular fixture scheduled for the first Saturday of the season has, to my knowledge, only one advantage: it means that you can enjoy the rest of the season knowing that you won’t have to wake up before the milkman just to get to the ground on time. Set against that is the near-certainty of inclement weather, which means spending two or three hours in the country’s coldest, most inhospitable pavilion watching Mother Nature deprive you of 20 points. So, when Addo picked me up at 10.30 am, my early season optimism had already suffered its first major body-blow.

After calling in at Bourne Sports to buy some wicket-keeping kit, we collected Harv and embarked on our voyage over the Staffordshire Moorlands. It’s good to have Dickie Mint back on board again after what must have been a miserable summer for him last year. Carrying 2 lbs of steel around in your leg can’t have been a laugh-a- minute; combined with having to sit through some of our more mediocre performances must have been excruciating. I’m sure Harv will bring many things to the side this year: dashing strokeplay, flighted left-arm spin, a safe pair of hands, keenness and vigour, and, most importantly, a plentiful supply of hairgel. 

Road to nowhere...well,  to Buxton

Whilst cruising over the moors my mind began to wander off to exactly what my new position of vice-captain would involve. Although I was flattered by Drew’s proposal at the AGM, it wasn’t something I had given much consideration. I had hoped that some time after I finish my degree, if the opportunity arose, I would have a crack at skippering, but for this season I just wanted to learn some tricks of the trade and store them away with my own distinct theories and views on the extremely difficult art of captaincy. Our captain for this season has, like myself, no experience of his new role in senior cricket; however, it seems that He Who Must Be Obeyed is intent upon leading by iron-fisted dictatorship: opening batsman, professional, skipper, slip fielder, chief spin bowler… soon he’ll be making butties, mowing the wicket and serving the beer! Watch out Doug Eyre, he probably has one eye on the presidency as well. For what it’s worth, I think Jon will do a decent job if he doesn’t become timid when it comes to bringing himself on to bowl and he remains receptive to his player’s ideas. 

When we arrived at Buxton it was blowing a gale, the tarpaulin sheet assigned to cover the wicket was trying to fly, and there was an old, familiar face sat quietly in the bar: Kevin Colclough, my first 1st XI captain, back after five seasons with Hem Heath. Initially I thought that this was excellent news, until I found out that Cokey had quit smoking! With Kev comes Tina, his wife and our efficient new scorer, as well as his son, Karl, who has a cricket bat in his hands almost as often as his father has a pint in his. 

Eventually, after about six months gazing at a wet field, the umpires abandoned the game. Lovejoy, Minty and I stopped off for some fish and chips in town then headed back past The Winking man for Moddershall. Harv spent most of the journey wondering why The Winking Man didn’t wink on the way back. 

Back at Barnfields the beers began to flow liberally. Minty and I decided to hit the green baize and after I strategically lost the first couple of frames, ‘Hurricane’ Harvey, bolstered by Dutch courage, threw down the gauntlet and bet me a fiver that he would win a best-of-three frame challenge. “You didn’t want to do that! You wanted to keep your money safe in your wallet, didn’t you?” Of course, I gave him a 2-0 thrashing which nicely paid for my round of drinks. Bad luck old chap, how about darts?

We stepped up to the ochè and once again Harv won the friendly match, this time by 2 legs to 1. I asked him if he fancied a game for money, but my enquiry was met with a firm “No thanks”. However, Addo managed to persuade Dickie that he was on a winning streak and so eventually he wilted, agreeing to play one leg, straight off, for a quid. OK, so the stakes were small; even so, pride was at stake and the pressure was still on. After we both missed numerous darts at our respective doubles I sank an arrow into double four. Ker-ching.

Just when I was starting to think that it was my lucky day, that old adage – what goes around comes around – came back to haunt me. What happened was that I had to get back to Nottingham that evening for a university cricket match the following day. I postponed catching the 7.05 train so I could have another beer, then instead of catching the 8.05 Addo and I decided to call in at Meir Heath CC to watch a few overs’ cricket. The last train, the 9.05 service, left Blythe Bridge station just as we arrived and I was left stranded. So I had no other option than to call a cab, which cost me £45!!!

All in all, a pretty forgettable day. 

MATCH ABANDONED RAIN 

MODDERSHALL 0 points
BUXTON 0 points

'AWNIOGO': SELECTION

Selection

ADDISON, Jonathan Paul (RH, SLA) 
date of birth: November 14, 1965 

occupation: Market Trader
nicknames: Addo, Lovejoy, Agile

Addo was signed as professional on the pretext that he would put most of his wages back behind the bar and thus far has proven to be a good investment. He left education at 16 to pursue a career as a county cricketer with Leicestershire, which is unsurprising given that his school reports describe him as either “inattentive” or “non-attending”. However, he must have concentrated during Maths lessons, for anybody that has ever batted with him will testify that he is a genius at counting up to six. Despite his history as a full-time cricketer, he maintained a healthy smoking habit and this largely accounts for his legendary athleticism. He scrapes into the side as a limited batsman and half-decent bowler on a minefield.

ASTLE, David (RH) 
date of birth: June 30, 1974 

occupation: Trainee Accountant
nicknames: Unknown

Dave is a fully-fledged member of the Dunc-Bloke-Rutter posse, a position he achieved in spite of the stigma they attach to anyone who was once mates with ‘Timmy’ Taylor. When you hear Dave’s dulcet near-Brummie, it is understandable that he is a traitorous and fair-weather Warwickshire supporter as opposed to a loyal Staffs fan. Credit where credit is due though, since he started learning the English language you can now almost grasp what ‘Doive’ is saying. A solid batsman in the Mike Gatting mould, and scorer of a century for the second XI last year, Dave will find opportunities in the first team limited...unless he offers to taxi Addo all over the county!

BRIAN, Barry (RH)

date of birth: November 15, 1954
occupation: Group Ceramicist
nicknames: Bazzer

Despite being over 40 years of age, Barry has a full head of hair that, bizarrely, has not yet been seen to move out of place. An ex-Longton player (a sin for which he was all too readily forgiven in my opinion), Bazzer is a good, dependable batsman who can play snorting pace with his eyes closed yet struggles against abysmal, slow, looping spin; so, by that logic, if he could bowl to himself, he would probably bamboozle and dismiss himself more often than not. Barry is an astute tactician, a quality which led him to become last year’s second team captain, but he was overthrown in a bloody coup after players complained that he never stopped bawling and shouting. He also used to be a brilliant close fielder, but since he developed a dodgier back than Stoke City’s goalkeeper he has had to be posted at square-leg...hidden just behind the umpire.

BRIAN, Shaun Michael (RH, RFM)
date of birth: July 5, 1977 

occupation: Student
nicknames: Barrington

As Moddershall’s most recently unearthed fast-bowling prospect, Shaun has become the latest in a long line of such players to be dubbed ‘Fiery’ by John Myatt. Going on Mauler’s previous form, this should see Shaun totally give up the game within the next couple of years! Shaun’s favourite time of the season is March, in Clayton, when he revels in the opportunity to pepper near-defenseless batsmen with a barrage of bouncers. His success indoors has seen him send a proposal to the M.C.C. requesting that all cricket matches be played on badly laid concrete. Shaun’s fielding is not the most graceful around but he does possess a strong Emmerdale Farm, which should come in handy for someone likely to spend most of the season at fine-leg. The fact that the roller is started when he walks out to bat is a strong indicator that Shaun did not acquire the nickname ‘Barrington’ through any similarity to Ken of the same name. However, he has worked hard to improve his batting, a fact reflected by the elevation of his world rating to 8,437,912^th position.

CARR, Darren Mark (LH, OB)

date of birth: April 27, 1974
occupation: Student
nickname: Dazzra

Every Saturday Darren can be seen pretending to read anything from guides to astrophysics to the Greek classics, obviously staking a claim for John Kennedy’s position as club intellectual. As a student of medicine at St George’s in London, one would think that he might know a thing or two about physical fitness but instead he prefers to portray himself as a beer monster, evidence of which can be seen in his newly-acquired gut. Although his family lives in Checkley, Darren is actually from the delightful industrial hamlet of Fole, where he resides at NIGHTMARES: the National Institute for Greasy Haired Terminally Moody And Rarely Energetic Spinners. Daz’s annual mid-season epiphany brings some low-level sarcasm to proceedings as well as an array of grotesque lilac-coloured kit – that is, if he remembers the way to the ground. Quality performer.

CARR, Iain David (RH, RMF)

date of birth: March 25, 1977
occupation: Mechanic
nickname: Billy

Iain is an enormous individual with an equally large amount of talent to match, although he does at times seem to suffer from a lack of confidence in that ability. He established himself in the side last season with consistently good seam-bowling, despite the fact that he spent most of the time either talking engines with anyone bored enough to listen or fondling his future wife, Bernadette, which often meant that he couldn’t be found when needed to bat. Bill-E dresses like a gangsta rapper because he is the Boss Man in south-central Checkley, the ‘hood where he and his homeboys pack their Uzis then head down to the Red Lion to shoot pool, smoke crack and plan the next shootout with the Tean posse.

COLCLOUGH, Kevin Raymond (RH, RM)

date of birth: November 3, 1952
occupation: Retired Electrician
nickname: Coke(y)

Although Cokey has been away playing for Hem Heath for the last five years it is still said that he knows every blade of grass on Moddershall’s outfield like the back of his hand. However, rather than having anything to do with a photographic memory, this fact is obviously due to him fielding in a completely different position every ball. The bearded wonder was my first captain in the Moddershall first team, yet he was conscientious enough not to advise me that four pints of beer is the ideal preparation for a game. Of course, when Cokey isn’t drinking he loves to play cricket and despite being about as mobile as Geoff Capes with two dead-legs, he has a safe pair of hands and a good, flat arm. He is also an intelligent medium-pacer who gets the ball to talk and will be an extremely useful partnership-breaker for us. However, it is his late- order batting which will be of most benefit this year. An unorthodox right-hander who can hit the ball anywhere (usually cow corner), Coke could prove to be our wild card.

ELLIS, Andrew John (RH, RM)

date of birth: May 12, 1978
occupation: Student
nickname: L’Oreal (or Lozzer)

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” This dedicated follower of fashion with the golden locks is a budding Casanova and his current girlfriend Pam O’Mehand from Dublin can testify to his smooth romantic style. When Lozzer isn’t pestering his father for money he can be found sporting a dodgy cap on the cricket field, where he plies his trade as a budding swing-bowler who will improve dramatically when he irons out the kinks in his run-up and makes the decision to sacrifice some pace for the sake of accuracy. He probably needs another season in the second team but is capable of doing a job in the firsts when needed. As Moddershall’s under-18s captain, L’Oreal is a hero among the younger members of the club. However, being under 18 probably explains why Jock Kennedy doesn’t serve him any of the twelve pints of lager he tells his mates that he drinks every Saturday!

HARVEY, Richard Peter (LH, SLA)

date of birth: August 3, 1974
occupation: Student
nicknames: Harv, Dickie Mint

With his elegant style, cheeky smile, smooth athleticism and effortless power, Dickie is the housewives’ favourite. Like Zorro, he operates with a flashing blade, savaging anything slightly short...usually with dark hair and blue eyes. However, his boy-next-door looks have been damaged in recent months by an enormous thumb groove in his skull caused by his trouser-wearing better half. When not charming the female punters down ‘The Tav’, he can be found in Hanley trying to persuade DJs to play all his favourite Take That records. Mind you, since he started at the University of Northumbria he has developed a taste for the more out-there sound of, er, INXS. Richard’s cricketing ambition – to play for Stone – was scotched when they deemed his accent unacceptable. With bat in hand, Harv has more flair than John Travolta’s trousers, although bowling-wise – and especially as a proficient tennis player – you think he’d know a thing or two about spin (namely, that a ball has to bounce before it will do so).

HAWKINS, Andrew Charles (LH, RFM)

date of birth: June 16, 1967
occupation: Salesman
nicknames: Seth, Hawk(y)

Bad form with purple patches is the best way of describing Andy – and I’m not talking about his cricketing performance. It has been said that Seth’s body resembles a rotten pear, although it’s unclear whether this comparison relates to its shape or how easily bruised he is… Hawk owns more pairs of tracksuit trousers than Olympus Sports and this perfectly complements his image as a clean-living shandy drinker. The fact that he doesn’t drink obviously helps his driving, as anyone who’s had a white-knuckle ride – I mean lift – with Andy will confirm. A quality fastish away-swing bowler and breathtaking off-side player, Andy’s cricketing skills are well respected throughout the league and earned him a handful of matches for Staffordshire back in the late 1980s. Unfortunately he was dropped when they discovered his taste in music was hair rock, like Magnum, Van Halen and Foreigner. It still is.

HEARD, Andrew Alexander (LH, RM)

date of birth: January 14, 1958
occupation: Telecommunications Engineer
nicknames: Heardy, Bully, Tacker

This most unorthodox of batsmen was my early coaching guru at Moddershall. Thankfully, I have made a complete recovery. On his day Drew can be as brutal a batsman as there is, yet more often than not he waits until I am bowling at him in the nets to show how far he can hit it! Tacker is a deceptive bowler too, one who could find a ridge on a snooker table; he also likes to think of himself as a gully specialist, but his fielding is pretty much what you would expect from a Scottish goalkeeper. He has developed the strange custom of putting money in socks and the only time he breaks from this habit is on Christmas Eve when his kids hang some large, tinsel-covered socks at the end of their beds hoping that they might be filled by a kind, jovial fellow from the North. Bully is a fierce competitor and hopes to do some damage this year. Hopefully most of this will be on the pitch. Every Saturday Drew performs the most important job at Moddershall: he gets me to the ground on time!

KINGSBURY, Paul Edward (RH, RM)

date of birth: December 24, 1966
occupation: Fitter
nickname: P.K.

Despite his stocky build, P.K. is arguably quicker over the ground than anyone in the club, a fact that makes him the person I least like to bat with, for obvious reasons. Paul committed that most heinous of crimes and went to play at Meir Heath, but he was forgiven and returned to record a league-record stand with his brother-in-law, John Myatt. Paul represented Staffordshire under-19s and is a crisp off-side player, a steady stock bowler and fine cover fielder. His cricket is currently suffering due to the heavy medication he takes to cure a rare disease called Valemania which afflicts about 12 people in the world, most of whom live in Tunstall. When not playing, Paul occasionally watches, but is not renowned for keeping his opinions on the opposition’s players to himself!

MYATT, John (RH, RFM)

date of birth: July 30, 1962
occupation: Coal Board Section Manager
nickname: Mauler

John is a man who goes from picking the seam all week to earn a crust, to picking the seam all weekend for fun. The Mauling Miner is a big-hitting batsman, a reputation that once earned him and his trusty willow ‘Old Faithful’ a special feature in The Evening Sentinel. Despite marking out his run-up like somebody trying to ruin their shoes as quickly as possible, John can, at times, bowl venomously fast. His fielding has divided opinion at Moddershall: he thinks he has the best arm in the side, everybody else thinks he hasn’t. Therefore, he can usually be found at slip, where he passes the time by making polite conversation with the opposing batsmen. Mauler suffers from a rare condition called hydrophobia: an aversion to water. Evidence of this can be seen in the fact that he avoids showering after the match, and also in that he is the first person indoors whenever the covers need pushing on.

OLIVER, Scott (RH, WK)

date of birth: May 12, 1973
occupation: Student
nickname: The Dog

Writer of bland books about Moddershall CC; temperamental David Boon-esque opening batsman who slightly (ever so slightly) favours the leg-side; lift-cadger; beer- cadger; and reluctant wicket-keeper who would prefer to be a bowler. The Dog has been called the Matt Le Tissier of Moddershall – a lethargic glory-boy with a fat arse. If ever you need to know who the opposing professional is then all you need to do is look who Scott is talking with in the bar after a match. Waspish, petulant, quarrelsome, vindictive, surly, sullen, obstinate, recalcitrant, sensitive, insensitive, cynical, callous, self-indulgent, egotistical....are all words that he knows how to spell.

SMALLWOOD, Iain (RH, WK) 
date of birth: December 8, 1974
occupation: Sprayer
nickname: Smudge(r)

Smudger will probably be another player to find opportunities hard to come by this season. Another reluctant wicket-keeper, he is a brilliant cover-point fielder with the strongest arm in the club and a clean striker of the ball with a good eye. His infectious good humour brings a light-hearted mood to the team; this is normally fine, but does seem odd when he is giggling when walking out to bat at 40 for 6. Every week Smudge turns up after a night of boozing and can be seen sending a dust storm into the air as he speeds down between the pine trees like Juha Kankkunen in the Corsica Rally. His addiction to cars doesn’t stop at driving them, and when he isn’t enlightening people as to the virtues of one gear-box over another he can be found sat in his own car, especially when he brings Kim to the match.

STONES, Wayne Anthony Paul (RH, SLA/LM)

date of birth: March 3, 1972
occupation: Development Services Engineer
nickname: Waynoss, Bart

A versatile cricketer with the loudest voice in Staffordshire, Bart hails from the carrier-bag capital of England: Cheadle. Usually found fielding at short-leg, it is clear that Wayne has a death wish, a fact borne out by his preference for outdoor pursuits rather than, er, Trivial Pursuits. Although he can bowl handy medium-pace swingers, Wayne prefers to purvey his spin, which has occasionally been called ‘snowflake bowling’ on account of no two balls ever being the same. As a wee nipper, Wayne played in the golden era of Moddershall’s under-18s, and his face can be seen on many of the photos that adorn the walls of the pavilion. He is the small one at the front. After a season at Bramshall, he has now returned to Moddershall and can be seen on recent team photos as well. He is the small one at the front. Since his homecoming he has continued to hypnotize Mauler with the size of his wedding tackle.

WILLIAMS, Martin Gerald (RH, OB)

date of birth: December 12, 1961
occupation: Production Manager
nickname: Tavers

Martin is a reliable, orthodox opening batsman, canny off-spinner, and a former skipper of the first team. He used to be the sane member of the infamous Fun Boy Three, but has since taken to wearing the odd shirt that even Mauler and Grimmers would consider outrageous. The fact that he is on more committees than your average Tory MP, as well as being an integral part of the Hawkins-Williams clan, probably accounts for his slightly rolled-up left trouser leg and weird handshake. Tavers spends more time in Norfolk than Bernard Matthews, which makes it difficult for him to play a full season, but he is capable of doing a good job whenever called into action.