'AWNIOGO': LEYCETT (A)

Saturday, May 13

At last my return to the fray had arrived. Although still sore, the pinkie wasn’t too painful to run on but it was bound to be a little risky to come back so soon since another blow would certainly mean that I was out for a further month. In spite of this, I was desperate to get back to playing; having scored half-centuries both home and away against Leycett last season, I quite fancied the chance of repeating the feat. I suspect that Smudge was quite pleased that I was back, too, as it meant that he no longer had to keep wicket.

Despite the keenness to return, unfortunately my preparation for the game wasn’t exactly 100 per cent professional. Friday, May 12th was my twenty-second birthday and, as is compulsory, I had been on a Leo Sayer in Nottingham with mates from Uni, the night ending with me being thrown out of Ritzy’s nightclub whilst wearing an enormous sombrero that we had ‘borrowed’ – or liberated – from a Mexican restaurant called Muchachos earlier in the evening. At midday on Saturday, having spent an uncomfortable five hours sleeping fully-clothed on a friend’s sofa, I was busy throwing up a Big Mac on the car park of the Drive-Thru McDonalds in Derby. Not good. 

Anyway, having wormed our way through the sprawling metropolis of Leycett, Rick Basnett, my lift, eventually got me to the ground for twenty-to-two at which point I was greeted with the disturbing sight of the rest of the boys going through a vigorous sequence of stretching exercises. I did my warm-up (an aspirin, a painkiller and a fag) then moseyed out to the square to inspect the track. Leycett’s pitch had developed a reputation similar to that of Marks & Spencer – the place to go for dull draws – and it was obvious why, since the wicket resembled a hedgehog that had been run over by a steamroller: flat, brown and lifeless. 

On winning another toss, Addo shoved Leycett in, believing that it would be difficult to dismiss a side on this pitch in order to win the game. On the other hand, I thought it would be difficult to chase runs on this surface, so it was essential we bowled accurately. When Mauler struck in the first over to remove Leycett’s captain, Rob Heath, I felt that if we could also remove his partner, Jonathan Waterhouse, Leycett’s new professional, we stood a fair chance of rolling them over. Things didn’t quite go to plan, however. Wart, countering some decent seam bowling by thrusting his big left leg at every other ball, found a reliable partner in Dave Redfern and together they added 85 for the second wicket. Redfern bears an uncanny resemblance to Timothy Claypole off Rentaghost, and it was certainly debatable as to which one of them has the most strokes in his repertoire. 

Does your mansion house need haunting?

Just as this partnership was beginning to become more than merely frustrating, a miracle occurred. They once said that Man would never walk on the moon. They said that Mike Tyson was unbeatable. And they said that Andy Hawkins would never bowl again. But bowl again is exactly what he did, and it was Seth who split this partnership in his third over. It was obviously great news for our promotion chances to have Hawk – the quickest of our seamers – back bowling, and although he struggled with no-balls, pushing more balls than usual down the leg-side, I was sure he’d soon get back to his best. After a couple of verbal exchanges with Wart, sprinkled with some choice expletives (which mainly concerned the batsman’s habit of hiding the bat and kicking the ball away, something that Hawk is equally adept at doing it should be noted), Andy was rested, allowing Addo, somewhat belatedly, to introduce spin to the proceedings. The rewards were almost immediate, with Leycett sliding from 138 for 2 to 183 for 7 at tea. Bart claimed the prize scalp of Waterhouse, pouched safely at mid-on by Mauler. 

Having only bowled 52 overs by tea, we had to polish them off immediately upon resumption if we were to give ourselves a decent chance of winning. Leycett’s tailenders proved awkward to shift, enabling their skipper to enjoy the luxury of being able to declare, which he did in the last over, at a quarter to six, with the score on 208 for 9. Out of that total, Addo and Wayne’s combined figures were 7 for 58 from 25.4 overs of left-arm spin. With hindsight, it’s always easy to say that they should have bowled earlier but both captain and vice (me) thought the wicket wouldn’t take spin. However, as Barry Brian pointed out, Addo should have had an over much earlier, if only to see if it would turn. If it didn’t, he could just as easily come off again. Whilst it wasn’t exactly a ‘Bunsen burner’, it did offer enough help to encourage and the delay was a definite oversight on our part. Spilt milk, now…

All we need is one good over...

We began the chase quietly confident. The track was slow and low but I reckoned their attack wouldn’t be able to contain us if we could establish a solid platform. After a sedate opening, disaster struck in the sixth over when both Addo and myself were dismissed. The pro was brilliantly caught and bowled by Brazier from a full-blooded drive and two balls later I naïvely went back to one that kept low and the subsequent death-rattle confirmed my fears. The middle order played solidly, however, and a partial recovery was made. At 64 for 2 we looked like getting back on top, but then Mauler fell victim to another shooter and was trapped lbw, a decision that John wasn’t entirely in agreement with. Then again, when does Mauler (or anyone) ever agree with the umpire after being given out leg before?

Hawk joined Barry and together they took the total past 100 before two more quick wickets all but killed us off. Barry went first, falling to another good catch in the outfield by Brazier, then Bully ran himself out without troubling the scorers. Drew getting a duck is bad enough under any circumstances but the fact that he was run out as well meant that the dressing room had to be rapidly evacuated to allow our Scottish comrade a moment or two alone, a short period for him to gather his thoughts calmly (or, failing that, just kick the crap out of somebody). From that point on we had our backs to the wall and the situation worsened when Billy Carr, Batting Star, failed for once. Andy was then castled whilst trying to pull the game out of the fire, before Cokey and Smudger nudged us towards and eventually past 150. But by this time victory was as likely as Shergar winning next year’s Grand National. Obviously, Shergar raced on the flat not over hurdles.

At any rate, with hope all but disappeared, we lost our last three wickets for the addition of only 3 runs to be bowled out for 158. Shaun Brian, the last man to fall, was disconsolate, but the game had been lost much earlier. Losing any match is disappointing, particularly against a side containing Dennis Elliott, not a man who could be described as happy go lucky and who was extremely rude about our club when a Dean Headley-inspired Leycett skittled us for 51 in just our second ever North Staffs & South Cheshire match. Ultimately, however, it wasn’t so much a case of Leycett outplaying Moddershall as us shooting ourselves in the foot by chasing right up until the point of impossibility. Barring an entire obliteration of our side in a Munich air disaster-style tragedy, Leycett, honest as they are, will not finish above us in the league and therefore pose no threat as far as promotion goes. So, if there was anything positive to be taken from this game then it was this: having lost a match so early in the season, we were no longer prey to the dangerous tendency of protecting an unbeaten record at the expense of chasing difficult targets. A conservative mentality would not suit a team packed full of mavericks.

Leaving Leycett: outskirts (and city centre)

Despite this first loss of the season, we dutifully observed Drew’s old maxim – “Win or lose, always booze” – with a pub crawl of Leycett (that is, we drank at both ends of their bar) then returned to Moddershall where Bart, Lovejoy and I drank ‘til we stank and smoked ‘til we choked. Wayne finished the evening in great style, unleashing a psychedelic burp on the grass just outside the clubhouse. 

MODDERSHALL LOST BY 50 RUNS 

LEYCETT 208 for 9 dec. (59.4 overs) 
J Waterhouse 62, D Redfern 33, J Addison 4-32, W Stones 3-26  

MODDERSHALL 158 all out (38.5 overs) 

A Hawkins 41, B Brian 35, J Myatt 30, L Mason 3-55 

MODDERSHALL 8 points
LEYCETT 20 points