'AWNIOGO': SELECTION

Selection

ADDISON, Jonathan Paul (RH, SLA) 
date of birth: November 14, 1965 

occupation: Market Trader
nicknames: Addo, Lovejoy, Agile

Addo was signed as professional on the pretext that he would put most of his wages back behind the bar and thus far has proven to be a good investment. He left education at 16 to pursue a career as a county cricketer with Leicestershire, which is unsurprising given that his school reports describe him as either “inattentive” or “non-attending”. However, he must have concentrated during Maths lessons, for anybody that has ever batted with him will testify that he is a genius at counting up to six. Despite his history as a full-time cricketer, he maintained a healthy smoking habit and this largely accounts for his legendary athleticism. He scrapes into the side as a limited batsman and half-decent bowler on a minefield.

ASTLE, David (RH) 
date of birth: June 30, 1974 

occupation: Trainee Accountant
nicknames: Unknown

Dave is a fully-fledged member of the Dunc-Bloke-Rutter posse, a position he achieved in spite of the stigma they attach to anyone who was once mates with ‘Timmy’ Taylor. When you hear Dave’s dulcet near-Brummie, it is understandable that he is a traitorous and fair-weather Warwickshire supporter as opposed to a loyal Staffs fan. Credit where credit is due though, since he started learning the English language you can now almost grasp what ‘Doive’ is saying. A solid batsman in the Mike Gatting mould, and scorer of a century for the second XI last year, Dave will find opportunities in the first team limited...unless he offers to taxi Addo all over the county!

BRIAN, Barry (RH)

date of birth: November 15, 1954
occupation: Group Ceramicist
nicknames: Bazzer

Despite being over 40 years of age, Barry has a full head of hair that, bizarrely, has not yet been seen to move out of place. An ex-Longton player (a sin for which he was all too readily forgiven in my opinion), Bazzer is a good, dependable batsman who can play snorting pace with his eyes closed yet struggles against abysmal, slow, looping spin; so, by that logic, if he could bowl to himself, he would probably bamboozle and dismiss himself more often than not. Barry is an astute tactician, a quality which led him to become last year’s second team captain, but he was overthrown in a bloody coup after players complained that he never stopped bawling and shouting. He also used to be a brilliant close fielder, but since he developed a dodgier back than Stoke City’s goalkeeper he has had to be posted at square-leg...hidden just behind the umpire.

BRIAN, Shaun Michael (RH, RFM)
date of birth: July 5, 1977 

occupation: Student
nicknames: Barrington

As Moddershall’s most recently unearthed fast-bowling prospect, Shaun has become the latest in a long line of such players to be dubbed ‘Fiery’ by John Myatt. Going on Mauler’s previous form, this should see Shaun totally give up the game within the next couple of years! Shaun’s favourite time of the season is March, in Clayton, when he revels in the opportunity to pepper near-defenseless batsmen with a barrage of bouncers. His success indoors has seen him send a proposal to the M.C.C. requesting that all cricket matches be played on badly laid concrete. Shaun’s fielding is not the most graceful around but he does possess a strong Emmerdale Farm, which should come in handy for someone likely to spend most of the season at fine-leg. The fact that the roller is started when he walks out to bat is a strong indicator that Shaun did not acquire the nickname ‘Barrington’ through any similarity to Ken of the same name. However, he has worked hard to improve his batting, a fact reflected by the elevation of his world rating to 8,437,912^th position.

CARR, Darren Mark (LH, OB)

date of birth: April 27, 1974
occupation: Student
nickname: Dazzra

Every Saturday Darren can be seen pretending to read anything from guides to astrophysics to the Greek classics, obviously staking a claim for John Kennedy’s position as club intellectual. As a student of medicine at St George’s in London, one would think that he might know a thing or two about physical fitness but instead he prefers to portray himself as a beer monster, evidence of which can be seen in his newly-acquired gut. Although his family lives in Checkley, Darren is actually from the delightful industrial hamlet of Fole, where he resides at NIGHTMARES: the National Institute for Greasy Haired Terminally Moody And Rarely Energetic Spinners. Daz’s annual mid-season epiphany brings some low-level sarcasm to proceedings as well as an array of grotesque lilac-coloured kit – that is, if he remembers the way to the ground. Quality performer.

CARR, Iain David (RH, RMF)

date of birth: March 25, 1977
occupation: Mechanic
nickname: Billy

Iain is an enormous individual with an equally large amount of talent to match, although he does at times seem to suffer from a lack of confidence in that ability. He established himself in the side last season with consistently good seam-bowling, despite the fact that he spent most of the time either talking engines with anyone bored enough to listen or fondling his future wife, Bernadette, which often meant that he couldn’t be found when needed to bat. Bill-E dresses like a gangsta rapper because he is the Boss Man in south-central Checkley, the ‘hood where he and his homeboys pack their Uzis then head down to the Red Lion to shoot pool, smoke crack and plan the next shootout with the Tean posse.

COLCLOUGH, Kevin Raymond (RH, RM)

date of birth: November 3, 1952
occupation: Retired Electrician
nickname: Coke(y)

Although Cokey has been away playing for Hem Heath for the last five years it is still said that he knows every blade of grass on Moddershall’s outfield like the back of his hand. However, rather than having anything to do with a photographic memory, this fact is obviously due to him fielding in a completely different position every ball. The bearded wonder was my first captain in the Moddershall first team, yet he was conscientious enough not to advise me that four pints of beer is the ideal preparation for a game. Of course, when Cokey isn’t drinking he loves to play cricket and despite being about as mobile as Geoff Capes with two dead-legs, he has a safe pair of hands and a good, flat arm. He is also an intelligent medium-pacer who gets the ball to talk and will be an extremely useful partnership-breaker for us. However, it is his late- order batting which will be of most benefit this year. An unorthodox right-hander who can hit the ball anywhere (usually cow corner), Coke could prove to be our wild card.

ELLIS, Andrew John (RH, RM)

date of birth: May 12, 1978
occupation: Student
nickname: L’Oreal (or Lozzer)

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” This dedicated follower of fashion with the golden locks is a budding Casanova and his current girlfriend Pam O’Mehand from Dublin can testify to his smooth romantic style. When Lozzer isn’t pestering his father for money he can be found sporting a dodgy cap on the cricket field, where he plies his trade as a budding swing-bowler who will improve dramatically when he irons out the kinks in his run-up and makes the decision to sacrifice some pace for the sake of accuracy. He probably needs another season in the second team but is capable of doing a job in the firsts when needed. As Moddershall’s under-18s captain, L’Oreal is a hero among the younger members of the club. However, being under 18 probably explains why Jock Kennedy doesn’t serve him any of the twelve pints of lager he tells his mates that he drinks every Saturday!

HARVEY, Richard Peter (LH, SLA)

date of birth: August 3, 1974
occupation: Student
nicknames: Harv, Dickie Mint

With his elegant style, cheeky smile, smooth athleticism and effortless power, Dickie is the housewives’ favourite. Like Zorro, he operates with a flashing blade, savaging anything slightly short...usually with dark hair and blue eyes. However, his boy-next-door looks have been damaged in recent months by an enormous thumb groove in his skull caused by his trouser-wearing better half. When not charming the female punters down ‘The Tav’, he can be found in Hanley trying to persuade DJs to play all his favourite Take That records. Mind you, since he started at the University of Northumbria he has developed a taste for the more out-there sound of, er, INXS. Richard’s cricketing ambition – to play for Stone – was scotched when they deemed his accent unacceptable. With bat in hand, Harv has more flair than John Travolta’s trousers, although bowling-wise – and especially as a proficient tennis player – you think he’d know a thing or two about spin (namely, that a ball has to bounce before it will do so).

HAWKINS, Andrew Charles (LH, RFM)

date of birth: June 16, 1967
occupation: Salesman
nicknames: Seth, Hawk(y)

Bad form with purple patches is the best way of describing Andy – and I’m not talking about his cricketing performance. It has been said that Seth’s body resembles a rotten pear, although it’s unclear whether this comparison relates to its shape or how easily bruised he is… Hawk owns more pairs of tracksuit trousers than Olympus Sports and this perfectly complements his image as a clean-living shandy drinker. The fact that he doesn’t drink obviously helps his driving, as anyone who’s had a white-knuckle ride – I mean lift – with Andy will confirm. A quality fastish away-swing bowler and breathtaking off-side player, Andy’s cricketing skills are well respected throughout the league and earned him a handful of matches for Staffordshire back in the late 1980s. Unfortunately he was dropped when they discovered his taste in music was hair rock, like Magnum, Van Halen and Foreigner. It still is.

HEARD, Andrew Alexander (LH, RM)

date of birth: January 14, 1958
occupation: Telecommunications Engineer
nicknames: Heardy, Bully, Tacker

This most unorthodox of batsmen was my early coaching guru at Moddershall. Thankfully, I have made a complete recovery. On his day Drew can be as brutal a batsman as there is, yet more often than not he waits until I am bowling at him in the nets to show how far he can hit it! Tacker is a deceptive bowler too, one who could find a ridge on a snooker table; he also likes to think of himself as a gully specialist, but his fielding is pretty much what you would expect from a Scottish goalkeeper. He has developed the strange custom of putting money in socks and the only time he breaks from this habit is on Christmas Eve when his kids hang some large, tinsel-covered socks at the end of their beds hoping that they might be filled by a kind, jovial fellow from the North. Bully is a fierce competitor and hopes to do some damage this year. Hopefully most of this will be on the pitch. Every Saturday Drew performs the most important job at Moddershall: he gets me to the ground on time!

KINGSBURY, Paul Edward (RH, RM)

date of birth: December 24, 1966
occupation: Fitter
nickname: P.K.

Despite his stocky build, P.K. is arguably quicker over the ground than anyone in the club, a fact that makes him the person I least like to bat with, for obvious reasons. Paul committed that most heinous of crimes and went to play at Meir Heath, but he was forgiven and returned to record a league-record stand with his brother-in-law, John Myatt. Paul represented Staffordshire under-19s and is a crisp off-side player, a steady stock bowler and fine cover fielder. His cricket is currently suffering due to the heavy medication he takes to cure a rare disease called Valemania which afflicts about 12 people in the world, most of whom live in Tunstall. When not playing, Paul occasionally watches, but is not renowned for keeping his opinions on the opposition’s players to himself!

MYATT, John (RH, RFM)

date of birth: July 30, 1962
occupation: Coal Board Section Manager
nickname: Mauler

John is a man who goes from picking the seam all week to earn a crust, to picking the seam all weekend for fun. The Mauling Miner is a big-hitting batsman, a reputation that once earned him and his trusty willow ‘Old Faithful’ a special feature in The Evening Sentinel. Despite marking out his run-up like somebody trying to ruin their shoes as quickly as possible, John can, at times, bowl venomously fast. His fielding has divided opinion at Moddershall: he thinks he has the best arm in the side, everybody else thinks he hasn’t. Therefore, he can usually be found at slip, where he passes the time by making polite conversation with the opposing batsmen. Mauler suffers from a rare condition called hydrophobia: an aversion to water. Evidence of this can be seen in the fact that he avoids showering after the match, and also in that he is the first person indoors whenever the covers need pushing on.

OLIVER, Scott (RH, WK)

date of birth: May 12, 1973
occupation: Student
nickname: The Dog

Writer of bland books about Moddershall CC; temperamental David Boon-esque opening batsman who slightly (ever so slightly) favours the leg-side; lift-cadger; beer- cadger; and reluctant wicket-keeper who would prefer to be a bowler. The Dog has been called the Matt Le Tissier of Moddershall – a lethargic glory-boy with a fat arse. If ever you need to know who the opposing professional is then all you need to do is look who Scott is talking with in the bar after a match. Waspish, petulant, quarrelsome, vindictive, surly, sullen, obstinate, recalcitrant, sensitive, insensitive, cynical, callous, self-indulgent, egotistical....are all words that he knows how to spell.

SMALLWOOD, Iain (RH, WK) 
date of birth: December 8, 1974
occupation: Sprayer
nickname: Smudge(r)

Smudger will probably be another player to find opportunities hard to come by this season. Another reluctant wicket-keeper, he is a brilliant cover-point fielder with the strongest arm in the club and a clean striker of the ball with a good eye. His infectious good humour brings a light-hearted mood to the team; this is normally fine, but does seem odd when he is giggling when walking out to bat at 40 for 6. Every week Smudge turns up after a night of boozing and can be seen sending a dust storm into the air as he speeds down between the pine trees like Juha Kankkunen in the Corsica Rally. His addiction to cars doesn’t stop at driving them, and when he isn’t enlightening people as to the virtues of one gear-box over another he can be found sat in his own car, especially when he brings Kim to the match.

STONES, Wayne Anthony Paul (RH, SLA/LM)

date of birth: March 3, 1972
occupation: Development Services Engineer
nickname: Waynoss, Bart

A versatile cricketer with the loudest voice in Staffordshire, Bart hails from the carrier-bag capital of England: Cheadle. Usually found fielding at short-leg, it is clear that Wayne has a death wish, a fact borne out by his preference for outdoor pursuits rather than, er, Trivial Pursuits. Although he can bowl handy medium-pace swingers, Wayne prefers to purvey his spin, which has occasionally been called ‘snowflake bowling’ on account of no two balls ever being the same. As a wee nipper, Wayne played in the golden era of Moddershall’s under-18s, and his face can be seen on many of the photos that adorn the walls of the pavilion. He is the small one at the front. After a season at Bramshall, he has now returned to Moddershall and can be seen on recent team photos as well. He is the small one at the front. Since his homecoming he has continued to hypnotize Mauler with the size of his wedding tackle.

WILLIAMS, Martin Gerald (RH, OB)

date of birth: December 12, 1961
occupation: Production Manager
nickname: Tavers

Martin is a reliable, orthodox opening batsman, canny off-spinner, and a former skipper of the first team. He used to be the sane member of the infamous Fun Boy Three, but has since taken to wearing the odd shirt that even Mauler and Grimmers would consider outrageous. The fact that he is on more committees than your average Tory MP, as well as being an integral part of the Hawkins-Williams clan, probably accounts for his slightly rolled-up left trouser leg and weird handshake. Tavers spends more time in Norfolk than Bernard Matthews, which makes it difficult for him to play a full season, but he is capable of doing a good job whenever called into action.