'AWNIOGO': CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE (A)

The most popular view of Crewe (most common, and most desired)

Saturday, May 6

Having just kicked them out of the Talbot Cup, I suppose we were expected to give Crewe Rolls-Royce a good hiding in the league as well. Maybe, but we had to guard against complacency as it hasn’t exactly been one of our happier hunting grounds in recent years. In fact, we had never previously even come close to winning there. Still unfit, I was nevertheless keen to watch, if only to feel more involved. So, with fingers crossed and anti-perspirant liberally applied to counter the freakish heat, I jumped into the Heardmobile and off we set for Cheshire.

Drew usually has a nightmare when he takes me to Crewe because I have developed the habit of exposing his wee eardrums to whatever happens to be my favourite album of the moment. A few years back, when I was obsessed with Cud’s When in Rome... LP, he chuntered some unintelligible scotch curse all the way there and was bowled by the very first ball of the match: a slow, looping full-toss! Last year, although he didn’t admit it, I’m sure he quite enjoyed Blur’s Parklife; so this year I thought I’d bring something mellow and classy – something, if you will, to match Drew’s own personality. Unable to find The Angus McHaggis Bagpipe Orchestra’s 20 Greatest Highland Warbles, I opted instead for Dummy by Portishead. By the time we had reached the A500, Heardy was tapping his feet, shaking his head and loving every minute of it. Honest…

…We reached the outskirts of Crewe, followed the signs for Leighton Hospital (something poor old Dickie Harvey would have to do twice that day), and arrived at the ground nice and early. The wicket was firm and well grassed and seemed certain to have a bit of pace; so, on winning the toss, Addo invited our hosts to bat, no doubt hoping to inflict some major early damage. Unfortunately the new ball must have been a little bit slippery, because Crewe reached 13 without scoring a single run off the bat as Billy and Barrington roared in…and bowled wides.

With the temperature touching 30 degrees Celsius and with us having started so inauspiciously, I got the feeling it was going to be a very long afternoon, so I limped into the bar (making sure that everyone could see and share my agony) and bought myself a beer. As acting twelfthers, I also got a large bottle of water for the boys and wandered around the boundary, hoping to find a spot to settle in. By the time I had made myself comfortable in front of the rhododendrons, our seamers had started to bowl well and were beating the bat fairly regularly. For all that, Crewe reached 47 without loss in 14 overs due both to extremely attacking field-placings and some good running between the wickets. Then, thanks to the first of two catches in quick succession by Cokey, the openers were removed and soon afterwards Sadler was bowled to leave them on 54 for 3. Things were looking better.

In the searing heat it was always going to be difficult to maintain the pressure and our concentration, and so it was that a few chances went begging before Wayne Stones, playing his first game after returning from his season at Bramshall, picked up a sharp catch at short-leg to give us the fourth wicket. Bart’s return to Moddershall should prove extremely beneficial to the side. Although unlikely to bat much higher than number 9, he is a good, confident striker of the ball as well as being well capable of blocking out for a draw should it be required. His versatility in the field is the biggest plus. As well as being a brilliant fielder in the deep or at short-leg, he is an unorthodox left-arm spinner who can also bowl late swingers at a deceptively nippy pace.

Wayne Tomkinson 

Anyway, forty minutes before tea, with Rolls-Royce precariously placed on 111 for 5, I thought we were capable of finishing them off for under 150. But our efforts were met with dogged resistance, particularly from Wayne Tomkinson, who, despite wearing a ridiculously large Aussie-style cap that made him look like the boy from the Hovis advert, batted well enough to enable Crewe to reach 172 for 6 at the interval. Heardy had had another bowl but was brought crashing back down to earth with figures of 0 for 27 off 6 overs. With us only having bowled 52 overs by tea, it looked as though we’d blown our chances. However, the stale butties, weak tea and soggy cake must have brought on a bout of generosity in the opposing skipper as he declared on 209 for 7 at a quarter-to-six, leaving 70 minutes plus a minimum 20 overs. 

Every time we have chased a target on this ground, we have started appallingly. Last year we were reeling at 6 for 3 with Addo, Mauler and myself all hutched up for nothing or next to nothing. In 1992, our promotion season, we were 0 for 2 after 3 balls! So, a good start was important, if not crucial.

The first over passed without incident. However, Andy Hawkins, opening with Addo in my absence, was soon in for a bit of a shock as the ball was tossed to an innocuous looking random punter, squat, strong and with a comic gait, short steps and feet turned out. Glenn Haywood was this particular cowboy’s name and although he was perhaps a little over-indulgent in his use of the bouncer (five out of six on average) he bowled straight and quick.* Having sat Seth on his arse twice, something that only Paula can normally manage, he then found his outside edge (24 for 1). When Addo was yorked in the next over, stumps demolished, things were beginning to look grim. They then got worse, much worse, as Harv was helped from the field after taking a sickening blow to the face whilst attempting to hook yet another short ball from Haywood – or should that be Larwood?

Haywood tests out the middle of the pitch

Rolls-Royce went on the offensive and Haywood knocked over Mauler’s stumps just as he was looking set. So, by the start of the final hour we had stumbled along to 69 for 3 (effectively for 4 with Harv in A&E) from the 17 overs they had bowled. Seven runs per over is a sizable task under the best of circumstances, but on a large ground against buoyant opposition it was going to prove extremely tough. However, with our strong and deep batting line-up, the chance of victory was still there. 

Drew and Barry used all their cunning and experience in keeping the scoreboard ticking over, taking the score to 111, the dreaded Nelson, before Heardy was bowled for 35. At this point Addo tossed in the wild-card: the talismanic figure of Kev Colclough, who was sent out to inflict his own unique brand of carnage upon the opposition. Quick singles, normally of paramount importance in a successful run chase, were always likely to be few and far between with this pair of senior citizens out in the middle. This is partly due to Coke dealing almost exclusively in boundaries, but also because Bazzer was struggling having pulled a muscle whilst fielding. To add insult to injury (excuse the pun), our request for a runner for Barry was rejected by the umpires, Les Stott and Gerald Bennion. The latter of the two appears to go hand in hand with controversy when officiating in our matches. He was the umpire who gave the Nantwich player, Gerhard Venter, not out when he hit a half-volley straight back to Darren Carr, claiming it was a bump-ball!! Here he was again, deciding in favour of Crewe Rolls-Royce, another side from Cheshire, causing one wag to wonder whether it was mere coincidence that Mr Bennion resides in Manor Way, Crewe?

Undeterred, Cokey hit 24 from 22 balls before miscuing to long-off, whilst Bazzer held things together at the other end, biding his time for the final surge. At 145 for 5, Iain Carr strode out to the square representing probably our last realistic chance of victory. Boundaries were still hard to come by, but the odd one was managed. Allied to some not-exactly-scampered twos and threes (an indication of the size of the playing area), this left us needing 25 runs to win from the last three overs. It was tense stuff; I was up and down like a kangaroo on a pogo-stick. Rolls-Royce seemed to be holding their collective nerve and bowled straight and full, making the opportunity for runs scarce. We went into the final over still requiring a dozen runs with Bazzer facing the raw speed of Haywood.

A single was nudged from the first ball, then Billy launched the next to deep mid-wicket and took three runs, which kept us up with the necessary rate of two-per-ball. With lengthening shadows creeping across the pitch, Sadler took time to change his field placing, deciding finally on posting three men behind square on the offside boundary. If this was a ploy designed to disturb Barry’s concentration, then it was doomed to failure; he is a pretty phlegmatic character and was probably completely unruffled by the pressure. In fact, he was quite possibly glad to have had a rest! Finally, the fielders were in position and Haywood sprinted in, banging the ball in short and wide. Barry cut hard and it flashed square, perfectly bisecting the two converging third-man fielders round by the score box. It was the boundary we desperately needed, a boundary that might have prompted Mr Richie Benaud to say “I can tell you one thing: you won’t see a better shot than that all summer”; however, it prompted me to simply say “Yeeessss! Get in there, you beauty!” The game was by no means over yet, though, as four runs were still needed from three balls…

Barry tucked the fourth ball away, but only a single was made: 3 from 2 balls required. Now it was Billy’s turn under the spotlight. Again he flicked the ball out into the deep, dashing back for two to retain the strike. Amidst the drama, the umpires seemed unsure of the scoreboard’s veracity, but Tina Colclough confirmed that the scores were level and that there was one ball remaining. The fielders all came in. I crossed my fingers and toes, broken or otherwise, waiting. The bowler started his run-up; as he whirled over his arm I sent out a telepathic message for him to bowl a wide… Billy pushed it into the covers, found the gap, and sprinted through for the winning run. We had done it. Get in. We had finally won at Crewe Rolls-Royce. Considering none of our top four had reached 20, it was an astonishing victory.

In the bar afterwards we could hardly get a word in edgeways as Barry screamed and shouted at the top of his voice, describing ever more loudly and in ever-increasing detail his crucial final over boundary. Or maybe not. If it were me, you’d never have heard the end of it. A great knock under pressure.

After their second defeat inside a week at the hands of Moddershall, rumour had it that, due to a decline in playing standards, Crewe Rolls-Royce will next year change their name to Crewe Reliant Robin. 

MODDERSHALL WON BY 5 WICKETS 

CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE 209 for 7 dec. (56 overs) 
W Tomkinson 70*
MODDERSHALL 210 for 5 (37 overs) 
B Brian 60*, I Carr 35*, A Heard 35 

MODDERSHALL 20 points
CREWE ROLLS-ROYCE 7 points


* Glenn signed for us the following season and was given the almost perfect nickname ‘the ten-to-two from Crewe’ on account of the angle of his feet, his speed, his home town, and his usual arrival time.